FACT CHECK: We’ve Only Killed Dozens Of People, Not Hundreds

It is our sad duty to report that scurrilous cowards have been spreading vile rumors about the Bunny Ears brand, our products, and our very approach to life itself. We try to stay above such slander, but this time we find it imperative to speak up. Recent critics have accused us of killing several hundred people with our holistic lifestyle advice—when in reality we’ve only killed several dozen people. 37 to be exact.

Sure, 37 deaths may sound like a lot, but it’s certainly not “several hundred unfortunate victims” or “piles and piles of endless innocents heaped at the feet of Culkin’s hubris” as some of our detractors claim. So no, we’re not going to apologize for our trademark venemas (scorpion venom enemas) or our all-natural depression sleep aid (Macaulay Culkin’s Medicinal Organic Moonshine). Additionally, our Bear Wrestling Therapy has bettered the lives of countless readers. If the occasional person dies while engaging in the activity, then perhaps that’s just the cost of progress. (And let’s not use loaded words like “innocent” when discussing such people. Who are you to make that call?)

So to reiterate: We have only killed dozens of people. Not hundreds. And we will no longer stand for such baseless rumor-mongering. And, slightly related, we’re mere weeks away from launching several more homeopathic, all-natural measles remedies that we guarantee will work better than any “vaccine” currently being peddled by your child’s pediatrician. Details to come.

Image: Unsplash