Champagne Bidets And Other Luxury Items That Cause Rectal Infections

November 4, 2019 by , featured in Butt Stuff, Health
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Just because you’re incomprehensibly wealthy and can afford senseless luxury items that the majority of people on this planet don’t even know exist doesn’t mean you’re immune to health woes. In fact, sometimes it’s those very products that can cause problems. Take, for example, the following luxury items that cause rectal infections (bad ones).

1. Champagne Bidets

Why cleanse your fecal remnants away with bland old tap water when you can shoot a highly-pressurized stream of Dom Pérignon out of a diamond-encrusted nozzle? That wasn’t a rhetorical question. There are many good reasons not to. For one, shooting adult beverages up your butt can lead to alcohol poisoning. Also, the carbonation from the champagne will be excruciating if you have even the smallest of anal fissures, and the sticky, fruity residue left on your bottom will attract both bacteria and ants.

2. Gold-Leaf Toilet Paper

Gold leaf is real gold that has been hammered into thin sheets. Toilet paper is essentially thin sheets, so why not impress your guests by allowing them to wipe their asses with a roll of this instead?

Because it’s metal. This would tear up b-holes like wrapping paper on Christmas morning, leaving them susceptible to all kinds of nasty infections. Especially if you pair this with …

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3. Foie Gras Colonics

Colonics are a form of hydrotherapy that cleanse, rehydrate, and re-tone the entire length of your large intestine. Again, water seems so boring, so maybe you could replace it with fatty goose liver, right? Wrong. And any medical professional who agrees to go along with this should not only lose their license, but also their hands. Don’t let anyone stuff you like you’re a fancy sausage casing, because the end result will be nastier than anything you’d find in even the most disgusting of public toilets.

4. Caviar Anal Beads

Black Pearl is a leading brand in caviar, and they’ve expanded into the market of rectal pleasure by stringing together their plumpest (and most expensive) Ossetra Malossol fish beads to shove up your anus. You can essentially pleasure yourself while giving your financial planner a mini aneurysm. What could go wrong?

Honestly … we don’t see a problem with this one. Go for it! Worst case scenario, the fish eggs pop inside of you like hemorrhoids. But they’re unfertilized, so it’s not like your butt’s gonna get pregnant. Also, these butt stuffers make wonderful stocking stuffers, so get them for your entire family this holiday season!

Images: Unsplash, Pixabay, Pixabay


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