Build Wealth Even If Your Business Manager Won’t Suck A Dick For You
Sometimes, you get yourself into a financial mess so bad the only way out is to have someone in your company suck a dick. That’s what your business manager is for. If he won’t do it and starts tossing around terms like “inappropriate,” “illegal,” or “offended that you would even ask that,” you can still have a profitable company, maximize profits, and build wealth. Like they say in business school, “Don’t blow your money. Let your money blow you.”
Cut Down On Unnecessary Expenses
When your poorly built ship is sinking, the second thing you should do is stop spending money on things you don’t need. (The first thing to do is go into Gary’s office, close the door, make sure no one is listening, and say “Remember when you were hired and you said you’d do whatever it takes to see this business venture succeed? I need you to do whatever it takes.”) Make a list of what’s essential and nonessential. For example, knee pads for when your business manager eventually warms up to the idea of performing fellatio on a grown man are essential; your business manager’s gag reflex is not.
Marketing, Marketing, Marketing
If you don’t have anything to sell, sell the idea of something. Your first impulse might be to think that this is fraud, but it’s not: It’s telling people that you have something you don’t with no intent to give it to them. That’s different. It’s more words. When your creditors come knocking, you should have put yourself (and your business manager) into such a desperate situation that he’ll be more than ready to gargle the antiseptic mouthwash you’ve silently placed in front of him.
Use Your Contacts
If your business manager won’t slurp down a dong, maybe you know someone who will? This is where having a big Rolodex comes in handy. Ask around. Steve, who you met at a business conference in Chicago. Your college roommate’s friend. Even the janitor might do it for a bag of curly fries. Everyone who owns a company is six degrees away from a man who will go down on another man purely for business purposes. You’ll never know who will reluctantly nibble male genitalia until you ask, so ask away!
Invest In Human Capital
Since your business manager has locked himself in his office and begun to cry, you might have to slob the knob yourself. It’s not ideal, but you actively lit your company on fire with your own mismanagement, and now you have to get out of it. Invest in yourself and your beej skills. Start doing jaw exercises. Someone’s going to have to be able to fit a customs official’s entire man-snake in their mouth, and right now, it looks like that person is going to be you. That’s the cost of doing business, baby.
Get A New Business Manager
Your business manager should be willing to do anything for you. Anything. If he’s not that loyal, you don’t want him on your team. There are plenty of business managers willing to give head so you can get ahead. Find one who will, give him some Chapstick, and send him to your old business manager’s house, because you have to keep him quiet now, too. It’s worth the investment!
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