How To Accentuate Your Resting Dad Dick
Every dad has a pants pickle ready to tickle, but we don’t always put it out there in the best light. Whether we’re self-conscious about our body or just too busy to care, many fathers have forgotten how to feel sexy. Well, that ends now. By accentuating your resting dad dick, the natural bulge beneath every father’s briefs, you can let the world know you’re not just a ride to softball practice; you’re a sexual being. Here are a few fun tips to help remind the world that dads can be daddies, too.
Open Zippers Make Ladies Chipper
The trick with resting dad dick is making it look effortless, and what takes less effort than forgetting to zip that fly? Here’s a maneuver that screams “I do not give an eff” while getting those eyeballs where they belong. Chances are you were going to forget anyway, so two birds, one sexy stone. Just be sure and wear underwear, or your front tail could get you thrown in jail.
Bull’s-Eye On Your Bulge
It can take work to make your phallus a focal point. Try painting a bull’s-eye on your crotch. Just pick up some modeling paint from a nearby hobby shop and let those concentric circles work miracles.
Cargo Shorts Two Sizes Too Small
If you feel like your resting dad dick needs a little extra kick, try wearing pants two sizes too small. We know some of you dads are concerned about pocket space—we’ve all got billfolds, various receipts, and dozens of keys to carry around—which is why your best option is cargo shorts. No matter how small you go, those puffy pockets can still hold all your crap.
A Dong Bra
Why do our wives get to wear saucy bras, but dads are stuck in tattered tighty-whities? Who says our schlongs don’t need support, physical or emotional? That’s where the dong bra comes in. Some folks call it a jock strap, but the last time you played a sport, your swim team was still segregated, so learn to love the boner brassiere. The boys at the warehouse will know you’re packing a lot more than Amazon packages this week.
Just Point A Lot
If you’ve tried all the tricks and still can’t get those eyes where they belong, just point at it. You don’t need to do it alone. Make it a family affair. If you saw a family of four walking down the street and everyone pointing at their dad’s dong, wouldn’t you take a look? There’s no better way to bond with the clan than having them point at your personal drip pan. In the end, resting dad dicks come and go, but families are forever.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…