My Near Death Experience Taught Me I Love Work More Than My Family
I realized I was doing everything exactly right.
All The Things To Throw Instead Of Your $70 X-Box Controller
X-Box controllers are expensive. Try throwing these unimportant things instead.
Every Culkin Brother Ranked (By Macaulay Culkin)
Finally, we know which Culkin is best and which is worst. And who has more authority to speak on the subject than Macaulay Culkin himself?
I’m Worried My Kids Aren’t Weird Enough For Homeschooling
Will they be able to keep up with all those little creeps, goobers, freak-balls and toenail chewers? I’m just not convinced.
Archie Tries Goop Recipes on Her Mom: Roasted Chicken
“Has this white woman ever had chicken before?” My dad asks, staring at the chicken. “This tastes like the ghost of flavored meat,” My mom says.
You Can Now Use Face/Off Technology To Explore Your Mommy Issues
I tried out this new Face/Off procedure so I could see what I could learn about my childhood in order to be able to exploit it for an internet article. Here is what I learned.
Here’s What ‘Based On Your Sign’ Article You Should Read Based On Your Sign
Hint: You’re not going to want to go anywhere near a What Kind of Fast Food are You Based on Your Zodiac article if you’re a Pisces!
How To Accentuate Your Resting Dad Dick
Every dad has a pants pickle ready to tickle, but we don’t always put it out there in the best light. Well that ends now.
My Dad Is A Roman Reigns Fan And I Can’t Live With It Anymore
I’m a lifelong fan of professional wrestling, thanks to my dad. We’ve always enjoyed cheering for the best of the best. From Stone Cold flipping off Vince to The Rock electrifying millions, both my dad and I were hardcore fans. But as time moved on, things have changed. The current era of WWE has thrown […]
It’s Never Too Late To Start Planning Your Parents’ Funerals
Yes, even seventeen months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede accident.
Thanksgiving Recipes The Whole Family Better Fucking Agree On
I swear to fucking God they better after all of this bullshit I went through this year.
Reminder: Don’t Fuck Up This Turkey, Because You Can Really Use A Win Right Now
This Thanksgiving turkey is just the opportunity you need to have at least one thing go right. And you really need it because, let’s be honest, you can really use a win right now.
Hobby Farms: Why My Family’s Time Means Nothing to Me
There are a lot of pros and cons to hobby farms. I don’t know what they are. I did little to no research before starting a hobby farm, to the detriment of my relationship with my wife, my relationship with my children, and my relationship with the laws of the land. But since I own […]
Giving Your Child The Advantages Of Your Immense Wealth Without Being A Helicopter Parent
One of the best things about being obscenely loaded is that you can ensure your children also enjoy the benefits of immense wealth, thus perpetuating a rock-solid cycle of compounding privilege that will echo down your bloodline for years to come. However, be wary of becoming not just a helicopter parent but the even more […]
Ask A $715 Cashmere Beanie
You have questions, this luxurious cashmere beanie has answers. Everything from relationship advice to grooming habits, this cashmere beanie can help!
Incorporating Deadly Mind Games Into Your Baby’s Gender Reveal Party
An ancient and terrifying power lurks inside you… congratulations, you are about to give birth to a baby! Now you must announce the coming of your child to the world, so that all inhabitants of earth may prepare themselves for your spawn’s unbridled potential. And what better way to do that than a gender reveal […]
Mermaids Facts To Scream Over Your Uncle’s Racist Rants This Thanksgiving
It’s a surefire way to survive the day intact.
How To Get Over Imposter Syndrome Without Revealing Your Fake Identity
Your whole life is a lie, but you deserved that promotion.