bunnyears

…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…

Thanksgiving Recipes The Whole Family Better Fucking Agree On

Thanks to greater awareness surrounding these issues, people are more open about their food restrictions than ever before. Right here in my own family, we have a wealth of valid and affirmed dietary needs. My husband, Christopher, is a vegan; my son, Ethan, has a number of allergies; my brother, Jack, is gluten-free; and my sister-in-law, Janine, does not eat red food. As supportive as I try to be, up to and including discounting any of my own preferences and needs, this does make things tricky around the holidays. Preparing a traditional family meal in accordance with everyone’s often conflicting lifestyles can be a challenge, but this year, I am determined to pull it off. If your family is anything like mine, take a look at my menu for some inspo for a Thanksgiving meal that nobody can possibly reject. They can’t. Because if they do, I’ll burn it all down.

Almond Gravy

Gravy is a real landmine in this home, but no holiday meal would be complete without it. To show consideration for Jack’s gluten intolerance—or possibly sensitivity, I’m still not clear—I will replace the traditional flour base with almond flour. To accommodate Christopher’s heartfelt belief in animal rights, the milk will be swapped out for almond milk. Does this sound like a disgusting nut paste? Yes. Of course, it does. But I’m at the end of my rope here.

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Blueberry Sauce

Cranberry sauce is a Thanksgiving essential, but Ethan is (shock of all goddamn shocks) allergic to cranberries, and as Janine helpfully reminded me last year, they are the most red food possible. It was a dreadfully insensitive oversight on my part. I mean, I was pretty sure her thing was still brown foods, but how could I forget that she read an article about the harmful toxins in natural red colors in April? I swear, I read her e-newsletter, and you can’t prove that I didn’t. So this year, I’m simply substituting blueberries and praying she doesn’t read something about the spiritual toxicity of the color blue. I’m almost positive blueberries are not one of the many, many members of the berry family that could kill Ethan, but honestly, I stopped keeping track years ago, so I guess we’ll fucking see.

Potatoes

Just a big bowl of boiled potatoes. No butter, no milk, and no salt, because surely “low-sodium” will be up next on the dietary preference wheel. Eat them. Fucking eat them.

Rice Turkey

And of course, the biggest challenge of all: The turkey. It obviously can’t be a real turkey. It can’t be a tofurkey, since Ethan had to go and be allergic to soy. I swear, if I’d known what a hassle this would be, I’d have picked a higher quality, non-smoking surrogate. But I can’t do anything about that now, so you know what you assholes get? A big lump of rice roughly shaped into a turkey. Are you happy now? I mean, I don’t know what else to do. Rice is, like, the one thing that’s digestible and inoffensive to everyone on the planet, right? Not red rice, heavens, no. Just a big, sad, sticky lump of plain white rice. You’ll be lucky if I even put that much effort into making it look at all turkey-like. I wouldn’t be surprised if I don’t have the will for more than a few drumsticks, I sincerely wouldn’t. Happy fucking Thanksgiving, everyone. Shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down, and be thankful for rice because it’s the only thing keeping my psyche and this meal from falling completely apart.

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… shit, does rice have gluten?

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

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2 Comments
  1. “It can’t be a tofurkey, since Ethan had to go and be allergic to soy. I swear, if I’d known what a hassle this would be, I’d have picked a higher quality, non-smoking surrogate.” OMG loving these articles, have to contain from laughing out loud while reading from my cubicle!

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