How I Am Training For This Year’s Breastfeeding Olympics
As a five-time Breastfeeding Olympic athlete there is nothing I wouldn’t do to grab another gold. All the papers have me listed as the potential winner, so really, it’s mine to LOSE. Despite being under tremendous pressure I am as focused and determined as I was my first year.
This year was exceptionally difficult as my husband didn’t want to have another baby. I was like “Whoa Todd why are you trying to ruin my career?” Our youngest child James is five and a half and eating solid food. I kept him on the sauce as long as I could but despite my best effort, I needed a fresh source.
My husband and I just had triplets so my body is fully able to produce at max capacity. Luckily with these new babies I am able to continue competing as strongly as ever. And boy am I ready to slay the competition. But my new babies’ mouths alone won’t help me win another gold. This is what I am doing to train for this year.
Every day I get up and drink straight cantaloupe juice and three dozen raw eggs. Followed by the milk and flesh seven coconuts. I hold as much as the liquid in as possible so it comes out exactly where and when I want it to.
After my breakfast, I train with the three top femmebots. It’s my job to produce as much milk by volume as bullets they shoot. I should be able, at any given moment, to let out a stream of milk with as much pressure as a fire hose and ability to knock a man on his chest in 2 seconds flat.
Handling The Competition
My biggest competition this year is Sierra. Sierra won the silver medal last year and would do absolutely anything to keep me off my game. Not only has she had three sets of twins, some say she has a third nipple hidden under her armpit. (Something completely illegal in competitive breastfeeding.) I am not in any way intimated by Sierra and her third nipple, I am pulling the weight of eight nips with what I’m backing. Nothing can compare to my golden globes. Plus, she is a former Olympic gymnast, she only moved over to breastfeeding when she aged out. I am a breastfeeding purist.
I have wanted this since I was a child and got my first baby doll that could pee water. I threw away the little bottle she came with and placed her right up to my chest dreaming of the day I would be an Olympian. I imagined the day I would stand on the podium with my red, white, and blue nursing bra while they star spangled banner played in the background for all the world to see.
Breastfeeding is the most important Olympic sport this season. After all, there is a war on milk. Disgusting juice squeezed from almonds and coconuts is not milk, people. Milk can only come from mothers, the bringers of life! When you reject real tit based milk you reject the goddess, and boy will you ever pay. There’s no white bearded man-god on the other side, people! There’s just a big breasted lady who’s pissed you didn’t want her warm homemade nutrients!
I personally feel like breastfeeding is the most underrated sports in the Olympics because of misogyny. Most people don’t know it is one of the first Olympics sports going back to Ancient Greece. The goddess Demeter won the first one when Persephone was a wee babe who with the proper nutrients grew up to be the queen of hell.
Most people don’t even know it is a sport. But it is the most important sport because it is literally about the power of giving life!
I know that the gold is mine this year. I just need to be in the right headspace. Visualization has become just as important to my training as the physical. Every evening before I go to bed I imagine a dairy farm. Only I am the only living thing in it. I imagine a hot day with thirsty people dying for a milkshake, and then I bring all the boys to the yard