WWE Crown Jewel 2019 Spoilers (From The Future!)

Welcome to another round of Future Spoilers, the place where we travel into the future to bring you the results of future wrestling events (this time with the help of NXT Superstar Kushida’s DeLorean, no less!). For today’s Future Spoilers, we traveled all the way to King Saud University Stadium in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia on October 31st to get you Crown Jewel 2019 results. Here’s what went down.

Intro: Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair Face Off

The event starts with a pan shot of the crowd, revealing a scattered collection of disinterested members of the Saudi royal family checking their phones as they sit in recliners around the ring. A 100-yard gap separates them from several thousand actual WWE fans sitting in the stands. Ric Flair’s music hits, and the 70-year-old Nature Boy struts into the ring in full gear, followed by 66-year-old Hulk Hogan wearing his trademark red and yellow.

Their entrances have pyro. Lots of pyro. More pyro than you’ve ever seen in your entire life, and after a short, winded promo, the two legends announce that they’re wrestling each other tonight in the main event at the request of the Crown Prince. They both look terrified to be wrestling again, but they also have millions of dollars worth of Saudi Arabian money stuffed into their pants.

24/7 Title Segment

R-Truth runs into the ring holding the 24/7 Title as he’s chased by a locker room full of curtain jerkers. In the skirmish, Mansoor wins the title. The audience doesn’t really react until he grabs the microphone and announces that he’s also from Riyadh, at which point they pop really big. Mansoor then forfeits the 24/7 title to the Chairman of the Saudi General Sports Authority, who subsequently forfeits it to the Saudi Crown Prince. His title win will never be referenced on WWE programming.

The Undertaker versus Yokozuna

The Undertaker wrestles Yokozuna in a short squash match that ends with Yokozuna in a chokeslam. During the match, a very stressed-looking Vince McMahon can be seen telling the King of Saudi Arabia that “that’s definitely the real Yokozuna and not a guy we paid to dress like Yokozuna because you asked for us to book a guy who died nearly 20 years ago in a match.” If you’re wondering if Vince McMahon’s pants are stuffed with Saudi Arabian money during this exchange, they are.

The Main Event: Hulk Hogan versus Ric Flair

Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair wrestle in a very short match that ends when Hogan attempts to legdrop Flair, but the impact of the move causes the steel rod in Hogan’s back to shoot up out through his spine, followed by 20 minutes of uninterrupted pyro.

There you have it: Crown Jewel 2019 results! We hope you enjoyed these Future Spoilers. Join us next time when we tell you what happens at Hell in a Cell 2401.

Images: WWE