bunnyears

…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…

I Tried Nu Metal Primal Scream Therapy And Now I Baw Wit A Newfound Sense Of Oh Wah Ah Ah Ah

I’m not typically so skeptical on first introductions. I’ve tried a lot of non-traditional therapies. I had to admit, however, that the atmosphere of this waiting room was … unusual. The receptionist was covered in silver body paint and wearing what looked like paintball safety gear. An entire wall of the room was devoted to a mural of the doctor, hunched over and chewing on a human spine, with the phrase “FEED YOUR SOUL” emblazoned across it in Bleeding Cowboy font. I was assured that Doktor Dethweed was a certified naturopathic doctor. It seems he also has a degree in “blazin’ it every day like Marvin Gaye.”

I have to admit, again, that I was concerned when two dreadlocked nurses wearing smeared makeup and bondage gear approached me slowly with a straitjacket. The receptionist chimed in again to assure me that this was entirely normal and I would “get what’s coming, get what’s coming, yeah.” They dragged me behind them. As they did, they giggled to each other in a way that echoed menacingly down the oddly angled hallway. Then everything went dark.

The next thing I knew, I was sitting on a chair in a circle in a dimly lit padded room. Similarly bound individuals surrounded me. Docktor Dethweed was nowhere in sight. Suddenly, speakers crackled to life. A driving guitar riff, too loud to ignore, was blasted into the room. The patient to the right of me stood up, walked over to me, and started screaming “FLACKITY FRAPPIT A FROW FROW BA WAPPITA. SHOCK DOCK TO WACK DO BACK BACK ATTACK.”

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He repeated this refrain, over and over. I could feel flecks of his spittle on my face. He didn’t seem angry, however. His face registered a sort of placid contentment I have to admit I envied a little, as plagued with anxiety and self-doubt as I was. It was a sharp contrast to his aggressive stance and posture.

The rest of the patients took their turn. Each had their own variation of apparent nonsense that they repeated, screaming at the top of their lungs, right into my face. Once they had all had their turn, the lights came on.

“Bravo, everyone, this has been a promising session opening,” said a man who had entered the room. I had to assume this was Doctor Dethweed. He was mostly bald, but the remaining hair on his head was shaped into a pair of devilish horns. His goatee was extremely long and braided with glow-in-the-dark beads. He wore a silver grill with vampire fangs over his teeth. The doctor was shirtless but wearing skintight latex pants and knee-length leather boots. He pulled up a stool in the center of the circle and asked me to introduce myself.

“Well,” I responded, “my name is Rani, and I’ve been having trouble with a lack of focus. My relationships are suffering from it, because I’m not as emotionally available as I could be. I wonder if there could be some lingering resentment from my relationship with my father that could be causing me to sabotage myself.”

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“That’s an excellent introduction,” said the doctor. “But it’s too long. Shorten it. Make it rhyme.”

I thought a bit and came up with this, despite the strange request:

“Hey, my name is Rani
Aimlessness and confusion plague me
Hate my dad, he makes me sad
Now I can’t be there for you, baby”

“Shorter!” yelled the doctor, two inches away from my face. “Mash the words together. And scream!”

I have to admit I was starting to panic a bit. Sweating and shaking, I belted out from the the core of my being:

“HADDITA FRADITTA BADDITA CON PLAGGATA
DADDITA SADDITA BEE TAN BE BABBITA”

The room got quiet. Then, slowly, the other patients began to clap. I felt like a weight had lifted off of me. Everybody hugged, and I was offered complimentary blackout contacts and a tab of Molly. With all the other terrible experiences I had trying to find wellness, I was absolutely shocked that I found something that worked for me.

I’ve gotta hand it to him. Doktor Dethweed is a genius.

Images: Pixabay, PexelsDushan HanuskaPixabay

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