bunnyears

…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…

Lose Weight With My Diet Of Artisanal LSD Tabs And Ditch Grains Fed To You Through Our Feed Hole

It’s true that imitation is the best form of flattery, but that’s not always ideal when your deity is a 900,000-lb. God Whale with the malevolent power of alchemy. Alas, those marathon sessions in our prayer/opium dens can do a number on the belly, which is why the Church Of False-Vestigially has implemented a state-of-the-art health program with only a 40% failure* rate. It’s called the “LSD Hole Diet,” and it’s totally shaking up the diet world.

Step one is simply showing up at one of my Church’s many roadside worship/gym huts and applying for the program. You will be asked to sign a lot of lengthy paperwork that’s mostly technical jargon and will only hold you back from your fitness goals if you attempt to read them. Once checked in, you will be encouraged to surrender your phone and identification before immediately shuttling to the closest fitness camp. Upon arrival, our friendly but aggressively motivational staff will help you don our Church-patented subjugation-themed fitness bodysuit and show you to your specialized diet hole. Many of our customers complain about the suit’s initial constriction, but after those pounds start to drop, we promise that the leather eye-straps will be dripping off you!

Once ceremoniously lowered inside, you will be given a low-energy diet of LSD tabs (with almost zero sugar and calories) and artisanal ditch grains farmed from our most sacred of sacrificial gutters. To pass the time,  you will be treated with my own soothing voice in the form of audiobook recordings of my many works, including such classics as Fear Doctor: Murder The Swine Liars and I Am The Forever-Serpent.

But hey, don’t take my word for it. Here’s just some of the many positive testimonials from satisfied customers:

DON’T MISS:  We Tried To Find Inspirational Love Stories But Found Love Is A Lie

“Like you, I resisted at first, but now that I have ascended to this new form, memories of struggle are but the faded narrative of a stranger’s life. The haunt of my former self.” –Fitness Subject #769

“Yes, the artisanal ditch grains are stained red and taste of pennies, but after awhile, you start to forget where you end and the grain begins. Eventually, you will be the grain, and the grain will be you. It’s circular. Eternal. Anyway, I’m now down to a size 4 and haven’t felt this confident in decades.” –Fitness Subject #5720

“The Whale has me.” –Fitness Subject #62

While we can’t legally promise anything beyond rapid weight loss, subjects have begun to report many other positive side effects of the LSD Hole Diet, including:

  • Clearer skin
  • Translucent skin
  • Rippling skin
  • Skin with worms crawling under it
  • Ability to communicate with skin worms
  • Ability to join under-skin worm society
  • Ability to gradually move up the social ranks of worm society
  • Worm rebellion leadership
  • Worm kingdom management
  • Sex with Worm Queen
  • Divorce with Worm Queen
  • Moving out of worm castle
  • Developing a gambling problem in worm casino
  • Filing for worm bankruptcy
  • Taking worm real estate night classes
  • Writing a book about getting your worm life back together
  • Increased energy
DON’T MISS:  The Commuter's Guide to Bridge Trolls

Look, no one said that losing weight was going to be easy. Judging from the nightly wails echoing over our camps’ fitness trenches and barbed wire protection barriers, our program isn’t going to be all fun and games. But great change can only be achieved by escaping your comfort zone and jumping headfirst into that distressing abyss of self-improvement—personified, in this case, by our trained staff of tribal-masked Fitness Enforcers who will, if necessary, throttle you until you have achieve your weight loss dream.

May the Whale God eat your flabby flesh,

“Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially

*death

Images: Pexels, Pixabay, Pixabay

You Might Also Like

I Don’t Eat Scary Red Foods And You Shouldn’t Either!

Red is the color of stop and blood!

Read More

I’m Not Basic, I Just Love PSLs (Placenta Spice Lattes)

Embrace your inner basic.

Read More

The New Yoga: Jogging Until You Find A Corpse

You’ll never feel so alive.

Read More
No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Stalk Us

Video of the Week

We’re Back, Baby! Take THAT, Sawa!