7 Soups You’re Legally Obligated To Make All Winter

April 16, 2022 by , featured in Food and Recipes
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You signed the contract. The details aren’t important. All you need to know is that the fine print (which you didn’t read) states that you must make these winter soups. You will not be paid for these services. In fact, you will barely be kept alive. But fall is coming to an end, which means you must make these soups.

1. French Onion Soup


You won’t need the onions to cry! The backbreaking hours on your feet, thimble-sized meals (once a day), and stirrer’s elbow will take care of that all on their own. Still, regardless of how obscenely you weep, you will be required to make this soup until the predetermined period has elapsed.

2. Butternut Squash Bisque

Squash is tastier than it appears, but you’ll never want it again after you’ve spent months watching Marjorie grow weaker and weaker with every puree. Poor Marjorie.

3. Leek and Potato Soup

“Leek” is right—nothing in this kitchen is up to code. Faucets drip everywhere, rusty metal jabs at you from every angle, and no matter how much you scrub, the floor will remain coated in a slick layer of sweat sacrificed by soup makers long dead. It’s a death trap in here, and so humid. Nevermind your hair, your lungs will definitely be permanently damaged.

4. Lentil Soup

More like “lent me outta here!” Which they won’t. You are chained to the industrial stove. Was it worth it?

5. Chili Verde

“Verde” is for the green of the sauce, and it’s the same color you’ll be when you realize what the cattle prod hanging prominently above the stove is for.

6. Carne Adobada

This winter soup is hot, hot, hot, and that’s what you’ll be, too. Despite the chilly air outside, the temperature in this kitchen never drops below 120 degrees. There’s also no breathable cotton in here, either, as you will be dressed in disposable potato sacks. Speaking of which, deodorant is obviously a non-starter, so the smell is unimaginable. However, that will be the least of your concerns when you’re dying of pneumonia.

7. Chicken Noodle Soup

You don’t even want to know what you’ll have to do to the chickens. But we bet you’ll read the fine print from now on, huh?

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