Aromainjury: Slowly Defeat Your Enemy With These Scent Oils
If you’re seasoned in the art of holistic self-healing, you’re well aware of how different scents can energize the mind and invigorate the body. But what of the people in your life you want to destroy? The less-practiced craft of Aromainjury will help you organically conquer that nosy coworker or messy roommate. Here are our favorite fragrances of spiritual annihilation!
If you think this subtle oil recreates the odor of a penis, you’d actually be wrong. Looming Dicks triggers exactly what it sounds like: the threat that an exposed phallus is nearby. Watch as your secret adversary defensively walls themselves from others as the emitting chemicals make their brain short-circuit a symphony of wang paranoia.
This is literally everything we just described with Looming Dicks if you replaced the male sexual organ with an aggressive farm animal. Goat Fear will have your foe seeing horns in their sleep, as the precise mixture combines the barn wafts of Northern England with the stress hormones of vulnerable baby ducks.
Not a second will pass without your rival worrying that their computer has suffered catastrophic failure. Best suited for a shared office space, the beauty of Computer Fire is that even after an expensive bill of health from the Genius Bar, your target is still plagued with the acrid stink of burning wire.
Imagine the relaxing air of the open beach combined with the ever-so-subtle haunt of human excrement. Ocean Shit is designed to frustrate and enrage by introducing the tease of relaxation spoiled by the fumes of a coiled rope marinating in the hot sun. It’s the scent equivalent of a delicious cake frosted with warm mayonnaise.
Nobody likes old people’s affection. And so this bottled hell comes from the wastewater of only the swankiest retirement communities. I know what you’re thinking: how do I know if it’s specifically sex water I’m getting? Trust us: it’s sex water. Just don’t ask us how we know that.
The tale of Unlucky Horse is a dark and winding journey. Yes, there were good times—most of which were sadly cobbled from the ruins of misfortune like so many lemons to lemonade. The truth is that Unlucky Horse never got a break. But at least his horrendous odor will live on in this bottle.
You know the one. The unnatural assortment of fruits and meat some maniac might fish from their pocket in the middle of a crowded theater. Who the hell does that? With this oil, you can take that incredulous irritation and give it to any opponent you desire!
A single death? You wish! Give your hate-crush the odorous gift of several deaths. It’s putrefaction layered upon putrefaction like a popup book of morgue accidents. They will be searching for “What died in here??” For months!
The Tomb Of Many Farts
Both the rarest and therefore most expensive item on this list—countless have never returned when searching for the Tomb Of Many Farts, but those who survived have smelled riches beyond anyone’s wildest dreams! Just a drop from the fabled dead titan’s ass is enough to kill a bear with smell-sickness alone. BE WARNED, for wielding the oils from The Tomb Of Many Farts is to wield the power of hell itself.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…