FYI Our Argan Oil Is Made From Goat Shit by Jessica Ellis
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It’s Not Our Fault You Didn’t Know Argan Oil Is Made From Goat Shit

argan oil

Here at Bunny Ears we believe in the magic of living your best life, and uncovering your most authentic self. But let’s face it, once you’re north of 27, your best self is an old, oily Ross Dress-for-Less bag, crumpled suspiciously on the middle level of that parking structure where you’re pretty sure you heard someone was stabbed last year.

That’s why we were thrilled to introduce this incredible product a few years ago: Argan oil!

Oooh, just listen to that exotic name: Aaaaaargan Oil. It sounds like it comes from an ancient garden filled with Mediterranean blossoms and chaise lounges that aren’t covered in spiders, like yours always are. Sometimes, we even made it fancier by calling it Moroccan Oil. Yessss, how colorful and vaguely racist!

And you loved it! We got you to drench your hair in it, saturate your nails in its viscous hug, and even guard against Haggar, Demon of Free Radicals, with a biweekly Argan-oil face mask.

Magic Ingredient

You couldn’t believe the results! At last, you were covered in the warm, glistening glow you remember from your glory days of age 21.3-22.5, with a brief recovery at 26 when That Jerk Dan dumped you and you lost 20 lbs. You felt younger, wiser, and luxurious all covered in goat poop.

Oh wait, did we forget to add that part? We may have, in our initial marketing, forgotten to mention that you’re covering yourself in authentic goat-produced poop. According to facts and reality, Argan oil is a bit like that super-fancy coffee shit out by cats. (Seriously. Google it!)

Traditionally, a goat creates the oil by eating the indigestible seeds of the Argan tree, depositing them on the ground in turd form, and continuing about its goddamn day. The seeds are then picked up by people who deserve better than this, and processed into that luxurious magic oil you smear into your curls. And you chew on the ends sometimes, don’t you?

 

Bunny Ears Exclusive Tip: This goat has rectangular pupils and has shit in your mouth.

And even though the Argan oil industry claims that most Argan oil is now produced by hand, YOU know how life has treated you so far, so how likely is it you get the goat poop batch? Very.

At first, we in the beauty industry felt sort of bad about peddling you possible goat shit oil. But really, when we think about it, we’re pretty mad at you. If you would get comfortable  retiring from human life and living in the forest like the hag we say you are at 30, we wouldn’t have to go to such great lengths to make it okay for you to appear in public.

In fact, we’ve actually upped our game to see exactly when you’ll crack. Have you seen our fall line up of magic lip-plumpers? They’re made out of sea cucumber pus, and one in 1000 will explode in your face, embedding thousands of needles in your eyes. But your corpse will have soft, touchable lips!

Pre-order a 2 oz jar now for only $149.95.

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay  

Jessica Ellis
Jessica Ellis

Author - Filmmaker - Nonsensical

Jessica Ellis is a filmmaker in LA, has written for HelloGiggles and The Toast, and can be found offering free pies on twitter at @baddestmamajama. She has a limited amount of time for your nonsense.

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