Yes, You Can Be Intimate With Someone With Scissor Hands. Here’s How
God knows why a mysterious inventor chose to put scissors where the hands should be on the human(?) you fell in love with, but here you are. Now you’re sitting on a bed with your partner knowing full well they have the power to send you to the hospital for total body stitches if you make the wrong move (and not in a fun, sexy way). Believe it or not, it’s still possible to be physically intimate with someone with scissor hands. Trust us. This is something we’ve thought about. A lot.
1. See If the Hands Are Removable
The simplest and most obvious solutions are often the ones we overlook. So did you try seeing if the hands come off? Maybe they’re the kind that twist on. Incorporate trying to remove the hands (if they are actually removable) into your foreplay. That way you won’t have to directly tell your partner you’re afraid of being impaled.
2. Use Protection
It’s important to make sure you play it safe, even if your partner accidentally slices through every condom like hot butter (you’re at a higher risk of catching an STI when you have sex with someone with scissors for hands for this very reason). So make sure both you and your spooky, (somehow) man-made partner have been tested before getting intimate.
3. Maybe Try Above-the-Belt Stuff?
So, obviously, trying to stimulate each other with hands is out of the question if the scissor hands do not, in fact, come off. And you can’t really do anything to him either since it turns out he doesn’t have genitals. You can, however, kiss each other on the mouth. Your relationship will be pretty PG, but that’s the price you pay for falling in love with someone who was created in a bakery that’s also inexplicably a lab.
4. Embrace Emotional Intimacy
We know you’re probably disappointed that you can’t have sex with your partner without the risk of getting sliced in half. We get it. We’ve been there. Just remember that there’s nothing sexier than a true emotional connection—so lean into that. Plus, you can always masturbate a lot.
Image: Twentieth Century Fox