Getting your children to eat healthy can be like pulling delicious little baby teeth. Sure, you could try the time-honored trick of pureeing greens into the spaghetti sauce, but I find it much easier to shock the little bastards so bad they just eat the kale because they don’t know what the hell is going on. Here’s how to confuse and terrify your children into eating healthy.
Sneak Foods Into Other Foods
Most people will tell you to hide healthy foods in sugary treats, but for maximum effect, you need to hide disgusting things in their cookies and candies. Kids are dumb—they won’t know why the “gummy worms” on their cupcakes taste funny. All they know is that cupcakes taste like worms.
Bunny Ears Exclusive Tip: A little syrup of ipecac goes a long way. Again, all they know is that brownies suddenly cause them to eject their tiny insides. Which brings us to …
Pavlov Had The Right Idea
As an upper-class, educated person, you’re no doubt familiar with Pavlov’s dogs. Children are basically just big, sticky dogs, so the same methods of thought association work on them, too. Next time they ask for a chocolate bar, surprise them by acquiescing, then wait until they take that first bite and give them a mild shock with a cattle prod. Repeat until they associate the taste of creamy sweetness with a source of pain their little nervous systems can’t begin to comprehend.
Tell Them Chocolate Killed Grandma
There will, of course, be times when your children are offered treats when you’re not around to sabotage them. You can instill a healthy fear without any physical meddling by simply telling them that it was not, in fact, bowel cancer that killed their beloved grandmother, but sinister, all-powerful chocolate.
It wasn’t eating the chocolate that killed grandma, mind you. The mere existence of chocolate—and especially the idea of her own grandchildren consuming it—scandalized Grandma to death. You wouldn’t want to join forces with Grandma’s murderer, would you?
The Broccoli Man
So far, we’ve discussed effective methods of dissuading your children from eating unhealthy food, but how do you translate that into eating healthy food? That’s where the Broccoli Man comes in. As you serve up the delicious vegan feast you’ve prepared for dinner, idly mention the legend of the Broccoli Man. A towering figure with razor-sharp claws and the jaws of a Great White, he sneaks into every child’s room every night to ensure they’ve eaten their broccoli by checking for the presence of fart breath. No one knows what happens to the children who don’t. No one has ever come back after being taken by the Broccoli Man.
The little assholes will eat it up. Literally.