Confuse And Terrify Your Children Into Eating Healthy
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Teeth Found To Be Tongue Prison…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…Hillary Clinton Still Roaming The Woods…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
Cancer linked to death!
…Newest Gaming Trend: Personal Space…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Queen Kong???…
…Hats are cool…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…Murder Victim Speaks Out…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…Man Wakes Up From 10 Year Coma, Asks, “What’s Up With Lance Armstrong?”…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
… Red and Yellow Is The New Black…
…Waldo still missing…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…BREAKING NEWS: Dumb Is Spelled With A ‘B’…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…RIP KOKO…
…Snow Is Just Rain That Forgot To Melt…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Trump Asks Media “What’s A Tariff?”…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Vacuums Suck…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…God found dead in space…
…Corks Found To Only Be Holding Things Back…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…Psychic Predicts World Already Over…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…City Announces Subway Being Rebranded As “Uber Metro”…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Secret Ingredient To Sushi Discovered: FISH…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…Supreme Court Rules: We Rule! …
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Police Discover Two Bodies In Witch’s Oven…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…

Confuse And Terrify Your Children Into Eating Healthy

eating healthy

Getting your children to eat healthy can be like pulling delicious little baby teeth. Sure, you could try the time-honored trick of pureeing greens into the spaghetti sauce, but I find it much easier to shock the little bastards so bad they just eat the kale because they don’t know what the hell is going on. Here’s how to confuse and terrify your children into eating healthy.

Sneak Foods Into Other Foods

Most people will tell you to hide healthy foods in sugary treats, but for maximum effect, you need to hide disgusting things in their cookies and candies. Kids are dumb—they won’t know why the “gummy worms” on their cupcakes taste funny. All they know is that cupcakes taste like worms.

Bunny Ears Exclusive Tip: A little syrup of ipecac goes a long way. Again, all they know is that brownies suddenly cause them to eject their tiny insides. Which brings us to …

Pavlov Had The Right Idea

As an upper-class, educated person, you’re no doubt familiar with Pavlov’s dogs. Children are basically just big, sticky dogs, so the same methods of thought association work on them, too. Next time they ask for a chocolate bar, surprise them by acquiescing, then wait until they take that first bite and give them a mild shock with a cattle prod. Repeat until they associate the taste of creamy sweetness with a source of pain their little nervous systems can’t begin to comprehend.

Tell Them Chocolate Killed Grandma

There will, of course, be times when your children are offered treats when you’re not around to sabotage them. You can instill a healthy fear without any physical meddling by simply telling them that it was not, in fact, bowel cancer that killed their beloved grandmother, but sinister, all-powerful chocolate.

It wasn’t eating the chocolate that killed grandma, mind you. The mere existence of chocolate—and especially the idea of her own grandchildren consuming it—scandalized Grandma to death. You wouldn’t want to join forces with Grandma’s murderer, would you?

The Broccoli Man

So far, we’ve discussed effective methods of dissuading your children from eating unhealthy food, but how do you translate that into eating healthy food? That’s where the Broccoli Man comes in. As you serve up the delicious vegan feast you’ve prepared for dinner, idly mention the legend of the Broccoli Man. A towering figure with razor-sharp claws and the jaws of a Great White, he sneaks into every child’s room every night to ensure they’ve eaten their broccoli by checking for the presence of fart breath. No one knows what happens to the children who don’t. No one has ever come back after being taken by the Broccoli Man.

The little assholes will eat it up. Literally.

Images: Pixabay, Pexels, Pixabay

Amanda Mannen
Amanda Mannen

Author - Mommy - Ninja - Editor

Manna is a writer, a nomad, a parent, a burrito, a thinker, a feeler, a lover, a fighter, and definitely not a sentient burrito. She's also a writer and editor for Cracked.com

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.