Get That Giant Gonzales Beach Body In Time For Summer
Summer is right around the corner and it’s time to hit the beach to show off your physique. If you want to make a Wrestlemania-sized impact with your look, take a few tips from a future WWE Hall of Famer and strive for the perfect Giant Gonzales beach body. With a little time and willpower, you, too, can look like Latin American sasquatch.
If you want to look the best when you’re strutting in the sand, and gorilla press the pounds you picked up while on Spring Break, you have to watch what you put into your mouth. More importantly, you have to make sure the food that goes into your mouth doesn’t spill onto your airbrushed muscle suit that you’re wearing. Your painted pecs will look incredible as long as they don’t have any mustard stains. Eat whatever you like, but keep that suit clean!
If you want to have perfect muscles, you’re going to have to “work out” where to paint them. Don’t just wing it. I’d suggest putting on a blank skin color bodysuit (it doesn’t have to match perfectly with your skin), and once it’s on, take a pen and make some marks so you know where the muscles go. Certain body parts like your knees, your elbows, your nipples, the top of your butt crack, and your belly button are good places to mark. Once you’ve worked out where those are, you can paint the muscles on the suit for a perfect fit.
Be seven and a half feet tall.
We all know the cliche that women like guys with hairy shoulders, but cliches are cliches because there is some truth to them. Make sure you lay plenty of fur on your shoulders. The ladies will flock to you like moths to a furry flame. You may sweat a lot in your hairy muscle suit, but as long as you gave the paint lots of time for your suit to dry, you won’t smear your rockin’ Giant Gonzales beach body.
Do not, and I can’t emphasize this enough, DO NOT airbrush any genitals onto your suit. No matter how good or detailed you can be with your airbrushing. Every time I’ve gone to a beach with an anatomically correct muscle suit, I’ve been swarmed by angry mobs chasing me with beach umbrellas. Leave it blank or maybe do a little extra fur down there.
It’s as simple as that. Feel free to send us pictures of you on the beach with your canned muscles! Use the hashtag #GiantGonzalezBodyMakeOverByPaintingABodySuitWithMusclesOnIt
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…