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…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
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…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…

Which Thought-Reading Prevention Hat Is Right For You?

hats that prevent thought theft

There’s been a lot of talk lately about social media networks using and selling your personal information for use by third parties. Of course, this is just the 21st century / high-tech version of what’s been going on for centuries: how the world-governing cabal of space lizards that orbit the planet in invisible spaceships read and steal your thoughts. Up until recently, your only recourse was to wear a tinfoil hat. Sure, their metallic fibers effectively prevented the space lizards (a.k.a. The Others) from reading your thoughts, but they were just so unfashionable. Most people look like a total dork in a tinfoil hat!

Nowadays, thankfully, there are many different kinds of hats that prevent thought-theft… too many, in fact, which can make it hard to figure out which one is right for you. Here’s a quick guide.

Beanie

Remember what your mom always said on cold days? “Wear a hat, because 90 percent of the body’s heat is lost through the top of the head.” While that’s total nonsense, she was onto something, because 100 percent of the body’s thoughts are lost through the head…if it’s not protected. If you live in a cold climate, or want to blend in with today’s hip young people, and also don’t want The Others to steal your thoughts, get yourself a wool or cotton beanie.

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Wide-Brimmed Hat

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego, anyway? It’s hard to tell because she wears a wide-brimmed red hat like this one, which have been scientifically proven to block all GPS-tracking devices, radar, satellites, alien thought rays, and brain-wave jamming devices, all of which The Others frequently employ. Sure, it’s lined with radon, which may cause cancer, but isn’t that kind of worth it?

Santa Hat

They’re not just for Christmas anymore! You can use it anytime to keep secret thoughts where they belong—inside your head. In fact, the reason the hat is so associated with Santa Claus is because of its thought-keeping properties—Old Saint Nick invented it in 1214 so all that knowledge about who is getting what for Christmas wouldn’t escape his Old Saint noggin. It’s the perfect option for a person who doesn’t want to get their thoughts stolen who is also one of those weird, year-round Christmas people.

Russian-Type Hat

Not only are the space lizards stealing your thoughts, but so is the government! The Russia-linked, Russia-backed government installed by Russian hackers on behalf of a Russian dictator whose strings are controlled by Russian oligarchs (who are also vampires, by the way, bet you thought I was going all “mainstream media” on you for a moment!) How do you beat a Russian mind thief? Convince them you’re a Russian, too, by wearing one of those Russian-style hats. They were also worn by the Russian citizenry during the wild and crazy days of Communism and the tsar days, so you know they work.

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Pillbox Hat

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis was a style icon and fashion plate for her entire life. She’d wear something once, and it would immediately become a fad, and then a a definitive style item of an era. This was never more true than it was for her famous pillbox hat. As you can see, it fits tightly around the head, preventing any stray thoughts from seeping out where they can be stolen, and its just as fashionable today as it was in 1963, when the space lizards killed John F. Kennedy with a long-range laser.

Grandpa’s Hat

Back when your grandpa wore his hat, things were different. For one thing, men wore hats, and nobody dared steal their thoughts. If Dwight D. Eisenhower wanted your grandpa’s thoughts, and he did, he’d just ask him for them, man to man, and your grandpa would give them over, because he was a patriot who would gladly share his thoughts if a real American hero asked him for them. (Statistics show that alien thought theft reached an all-time low between the years of 1948 and 1960). This type of hat doesn’t actually protect against thought-reading, but the thought-stealers will think twice when their high-powered space cameras see you wearing one, because they’ll know you don’t take no guff from no one, just like your grandpa.

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Diving Helmet

There are some obviously very disturbed people out there who think that the powerful individuals that read our thoughts don’t live in space at all, but, get this, underwater in  caves. If you’re one of these nuts, then you should probably wear a diving helmet. It will help you breathe underwater, should you ever find yourself near where these so-called “Fish Emperors” live, but it’s also made of such thick metal that it works (supposedly) as a protective barrier for your brain, even if you’re not underwater.

 

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