Diagnosing Your STDs Through Musical Theater: The Music Man Edition

September 27, 2021 by , featured in Health
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One of the worst things you can do when you start to experience unfortunate post-wet-humping symptoms is get on the Internet. Using Google to research your problems is a quick way to become convinced you have cancer, or even worse, libertarianism. Instead, researching an STD means you need to indulge in self-care, allowing you to honor your body while investigating the sex bugs you’ve slammed all up in there.

And what’s more soothing than the great American musical? Specifically, the 1957 Meredith Wilson classic song fest, The Music Man. It tells the charming story of a traveling salesman running a con in an Iowa town that involves tricking all the children, and somehow ends in a delightful parade instead of multiple indictments. And we believe your new STD, much like The Music Man, will also end in a parade (of antibiotics.)

That’s why Bunny Ears is here to give you official, foolproof STD diagnoses via unforgettable song stylings that, believe it or not, beat West Side Story out for a Tony. Because racism.

Chlamydia, As Described By Marian The Librarian:

stdMadam Librarian,

You’ve got discharge, my dear, and it’s not clear

Your vag is burning badly

You’ve got chlamydia, Lydia

If you stumble, cause your urine is mostly fire

And your period’s getting dire

Then you’ve probably got chlamyyyyyyyyyyydia

I’m sorry Lyyyyyydia.

It’s a curable course, you can surely win

But if your pussy smells like horse, you should probably go in

We should talk about how exactly, this happened:

I fucked Maaaaaaaaa-deline

Syphillis, Diagnosed through the timeless Shi-poop-i:


Well the sore you get in your very first stage

Is usually not fussy

And the rash that comes just a few weeks late

Is really kind of mussy

But the symptoms that wait til the final stage

Blindness and rage!

Worse as you age!

That’s the one you can’t escape

You’ve got Syphilis




The rash that’s hard to get




But you’ll go crazy yet

Herpes, according to the tongue-twisting rhythms of Rock Island:

stdRash on the vagina

Rash on the penis

Rash on the scrotum and the buttocks and the anus

Rash on the vulva, thighs and clitoris

Rash on the knuckles and the stomach and the lips

Look Whattyagot? Whattyagot? Whattyagot?

Where’dyaget it?


You can scratch you can scratch

You can blister you can scratch

You can blister blister blister

You can scratch You can scratch

You can scratch scratch scratch scratch

Blister blister blister

You can scratch all you want but herpes is what it was

Gonorrhea, explained through the anthemic Wells Fargo Wagon:

Oh-o the Gonorrheal wagon is a’coming down the street

Oh please let it let me be

Oh-o the Gonorrheal wagon is a’coming down the street

These symptoms here can tell you what you’ll see

I got some swollen testes on my birthday

In March I got some weird smelling pee

And once I got discharge from my penis

Abnormal discharge from vaginas may be yellow-y

Oh-o the Gonorrheal wagon is a’coming down the street

Symptoms can also come anally

They could be itching!

Or discharge!

Or pain when you poop!

Or it could be…

Yes, you’re right it surely could be…

Something painful…

Something very very painful…

Just for meeeeeeeeee!

And finally, the symptoms of crabs, revealed through that eternally romantic ballad, Til There Was You:

stdThere were bugs all around

but I never felt them clinging

no I never felt them at all

Til there was you

You had crabs

In your pubes

That was where the lice were living

And I never had them at all

Til there was you

And now there’s itching

And now there’s nits near my pussy

They bite me

In bad places my thong only knew

I’ve got crabs, I must wax

And I don’t feel much like singing

Cause I never had them at all


Please, call your doctors now about your perfectly diagnosed STD. And stay tuned for our next installment: Exploring which type of cancer you have via the magical tunes of Oklahoma!

Images: Warner Bros.

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