Diagnosing Your STDs Through Musical Theater: The Music Man Edition
One of the worst things you can do when you start to experience unfortunate post-wet-humping symptoms is get on the Internet. Using Google to research your problems is a quick way to become convinced you have cancer, or even worse, libertarianism. Instead, researching an STD means you need to indulge in self-care, allowing you to honor your body while investigating the sex bugs you’ve slammed all up in there.
And what’s more soothing than the great American musical? Specifically, the 1957 Meredith Wilson classic song fest, The Music Man. It tells the charming story of a traveling salesman running a con in an Iowa town that involves tricking all the children, and somehow ends in a delightful parade instead of multiple indictments. And we believe your new STD, much like The Music Man, will also end in a parade (of antibiotics.)
That’s why Bunny Ears is here to give you official, foolproof STD diagnoses via unforgettable song stylings that, believe it or not, beat West Side Story out for a Tony. Because racism.
Chlamydia, As Described By Marian The Librarian:
Madam Librarian,
You’ve got discharge, my dear, and it’s not clear
Your vag is burning badly
You’ve got chlamydia, Lydia
If you stumble, cause your urine is mostly fire
And your period’s getting dire
Then you’ve probably got chlamyyyyyyyyyyydia
I’m sorry Lyyyyyydia.
It’s a curable course, you can surely win
But if your pussy smells like horse, you should probably go in
We should talk about how exactly, this happened:
I fucked Maaaaaaaaa-deline
Syphillis, Diagnosed through the timeless Shi-poop-i:
Well the sore you get in your very first stage
Is usually not fussy
And the rash that comes just a few weeks late
Is really kind of mussy
But the symptoms that wait til the final stage
Blindness and rage!
Worse as you age!
That’s the one you can’t escape
You’ve got Syphilis
Sy-phil-is
Sy-phil-is
Sy-phil-is
The rash that’s hard to get
Sy-phil-is
Sy-phil-is
Sy-phil-is
But you’ll go crazy yet
Herpes, according to the tongue-twisting rhythms of Rock Island:
Rash on the vagina
Rash on the penis
Rash on the scrotum and the buttocks and the anus
Rash on the vulva, thighs and clitoris
Rash on the knuckles and the stomach and the lips
Look Whattyagot? Whattyagot? Whattyagot?
Where’dyaget it?
Whatyagot?
You can scratch you can scratch
You can blister you can scratch
You can blister blister blister
You can scratch You can scratch
You can scratch scratch scratch scratch
Blister blister blister
You can scratch all you want but herpes is what it was
Gonorrhea, explained through the anthemic Wells Fargo Wagon:
Oh-o the Gonorrheal wagon is a’coming down the street
Oh please let it let me be
Oh-o the Gonorrheal wagon is a’coming down the street
These symptoms here can tell you what you’ll see
I got some swollen testes on my birthday
In March I got some weird smelling pee
And once I got discharge from my penis
Abnormal discharge from vaginas may be yellow-y
Oh-o the Gonorrheal wagon is a’coming down the street
Symptoms can also come anally
They could be itching!
Or discharge!
Or pain when you poop!
Or it could be…
Yes, you’re right it surely could be…
Something painful…
Something very very painful…
Just for meeeeeeeeee!
And finally, the symptoms of crabs, revealed through that eternally romantic ballad, Til There Was You:
There were bugs all around
but I never felt them clinging
no I never felt them at all
Til there was you
You had crabs
In your pubes
That was where the lice were living
And I never had them at all
Til there was you
And now there’s itching
And now there’s nits near my pussy
They bite me
In bad places my thong only knew
I’ve got crabs, I must wax
And I don’t feel much like singing
Cause I never had them at all
TIL THERE WAS YOU, NATHANIEL
Please, call your doctors now about your perfectly diagnosed STD. And stay tuned for our next installment: Exploring which type of cancer you have via the magical tunes of Oklahoma!
Images: Warner Bros.
