We Tested $20,000 Worth Of Moisturizers Because We’re Mad With Power

We here at Bunny Ears can’t get enough of this silky stuff, possibly physically. We’ve become so intoxicated by the thrill of smoothing it on that we bought $20,000 worth of moisturizers. That’s just over 95% of our annual product testing budget, and we may buy even more. Why? Has our ample budget to buy health and beauty products to test for the site gone to our heads?

Maybe we’ve just had enough of this dry, flaky world and want to entomb ourselves within a moisturizer sarcophagus to preserve our bodies for future generations to worship. Maybe we found out we can buy as much as we want and it’s all tax-deductible as long as we write an article about it. Both are true, but no explanation strikes at the heart of the matter quite as well as the simpler truth: We tested $20,000 worth of moisturizers because we’re mad with power.

How it began

It began with an article pitch about pitting common drugstore moisturizers against expensive, high-end brands to see which moisturized the best. We bought two of each type at first, but the article felt a little light. We bought one more of each, and that still didn’t quite cut it. So we bought 45 more. Realizing we now had an odd number of moisturizers, we bought an additional 117 to bring the number of moisturizers to a nice and round 170. But then we thought “Well, we’re only 40 away from 200. Might as well go all in.”

Then we noticed we were only about $5,000 away from spending $20,000 on moisturizers. We couldn’t pass up that milestone. We mark that as the moment we had fully shaken off the shackles of our mental faculties and sunk deep into a company-wide moisturizer hysteria. “More” became a chant as we added to cart again and again in a mindless haze until the voices in our heads that hungered for moisturizer fell silent, their bellies stuffed with Shea butter and jojoba extracts.

A few hundred bottles and tens of thousands of dollars later, we have one, maybe even two kiddie pools worth of the luxurious goo. We have visions of skin-fortifying Slip ‘N Slides dancing moistly in our heads. We still don’t know what we’re going to do with it all, so we’ve put our publishing schedule on indefinite hold and barricaded the doors until we figure it out. No one comes in or out of the Bunny Ears offices for any reason until the pile of moisturizers in the middle of the office whispers its preferred fate into our ears as we sleep.

Where do we go from here?

There’s no telling what other madness we’ll get up to in our current delirium. We might buy $50,000 worth of charcoal face mask creams. Of course, we wouldn’t worship them. We are loyal to our moisturizer pile. But we would use it to imprison heretics in a hardened face mask prison. Think Han Solo in carbonite, but instead of being blind when he got out, his skin would be real smooth.

In the midst of our spectacular buying frenzy, we had a brief moment of clarity. After a brief discussion, we agreed that we want our skin so moist that it sloughs off into an extravagant flesh puddle, but we had to admit that that wasn’t our initial motivation. We realized we did it because no one told us not to. So, we’ll keep buying moisturizers until we run this company into the ground or someone tells us to stop, whichever comes first. Either way, a tear comes to my eye just thinking about the one article we’ll get out of it.

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