bunnyears

…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…

Birds Aren’t Real So Here Is My Vegan Fried Chicken Recipe

birds aren't real

It has come to my attention recently, thanks to a variety of homemade fliers posted around Los Angeles, that birds are not real. What a load off my mind it was, after many years as a vegan, to discover that birds are really just very realistic-looking drones produced by the government to spy on citizens. The world of bird-based cuisine is no longer off-limits to me! I can once again enjoy turkey on Thanksgiving, scrambled eggs for breakfast, and most importantly, fried chicken. Do you know how long I went without even one trip to Popeyes? Decades. All because I thought chickens were living creatures often subjected to horrific living conditions and then brutally slaughtered for our selfish consumption. What a relief.

In celebration of this discovery, here is the vegan fried chicken recipe I’ve developed!

First, you need a chicken.

If you live in a suitable neighborhood, you’re bound to have a neighbor who keeps a few in the backyard. Go ahead and grab one. They don’t really belong to your neighbor—they’re government property. Stick it to The Man and get your grub on at the same time!

Next, you need to disable your hard-stolen chicken. Their power source appears to run through the neck, so just grab an axe and chop right through it. There may be some lingering electronic activity after the wires are severed—twitching legs, wings, etc.—but that should pass shortly once it completely powers down.

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The government goes to great lengths to make these drones look realistic, so there’s still a lot to do between disabling the device and cooking time. The drones are filled with a convincing blood-like substance, so you’ll need to hang the device upside down until it’s totally drained. It’s also stuffed full of synthetic organs, so you’ll need to yank those out, too. Pluck out all the fake feathers, too (but make sure to save them. You can use them to stuff pillows or down jackets or in any number of cruelty-free craft projects!).

Once your drone has been disabled and cleaned, it’s time to get cooking! What makes this recipe different from traditional fried chicken is the vegan breading. Obviously, you can’t use butter or lard, because cows are not, to my knowledge, government propaganda. Make sure you use a good vegan vegetable oil and 100% whole wheat breadcrumbs or almond meal. Cornflakes are often used, but they have a rooster on the box, so I don’t think they can be trusted.

Once you’ve breaded your chicken, just fry it up in a pan, ensuring that it reaches an internal temperature of at least 165 degrees. This is to avoid food poisoning via salmonella, a dangerous bacteria the government uses to infect their drones and discourage us from eating them. It seems like it would have been easier to just not make them so dang delicious, but that’s the government for you. Serve with cauliflower “mashed potatoes” and vegan biscuits, and enjoy your ethically produced, antiestablishment, PETA-approved meal.

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Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

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2 Comments
  1. Birds are real, Birds are sentient beings. Birds deserve moral consideration.
    Birds are not food. Birds are not objects. Birds deserve their life.

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