It has come to my attention recently, thanks to a variety of homemade fliers posted around Los Angeles, that birds are not real. What a load off my mind it was, after many years as a vegan, to discover that birds are really just very realistic-looking drones produced by the government to spy on citizens. The world of bird-based cuisine is no longer off-limits to me! I can once again enjoy turkey on Thanksgiving, scrambled eggs for breakfast, and most importantly, fried chicken. Do you know how long I went without even one trip to Popeyes? Decades. All because I thought chickens were living creatures often subjected to horrific living conditions and then brutally slaughtered for our selfish consumption. What a relief.
In celebration of this discovery, here is the vegan fried chicken recipe I’ve developed!
First, you need a chicken.
If you live in a suitable neighborhood, you’re bound to have a neighbor who keeps a few in the backyard. Go ahead and grab one. They don’t really belong to your neighbor—they’re government property. Stick it to The Man and get your grub on at the same time!
Next, you need to disable your hard-stolen chicken. Their power source appears to run through the neck, so just grab an axe and chop right through it. There may be some lingering electronic activity after the wires are severed—twitching legs, wings, etc.—but that should pass shortly once it completely powers down.
The government goes to great lengths to make these drones look realistic, so there’s still a lot to do between disabling the device and cooking time. The drones are filled with a convincing blood-like substance, so you’ll need to hang the device upside down until it’s totally drained. It’s also stuffed full of synthetic organs, so you’ll need to yank those out, too. Pluck out all the fake feathers, too (but make sure to save them. You can use them to stuff pillows or down jackets or in any number of cruelty-free craft projects!).
Once your drone has been disabled and cleaned, it’s time to get cooking! What makes this recipe different from traditional fried chicken is the vegan breading. Obviously, you can’t use butter or lard, because cows are not, to my knowledge, government propaganda. Make sure you use a good vegan vegetable oil and 100% whole wheat breadcrumbs or almond meal. Cornflakes are often used, but they have a rooster on the box, so I don’t think they can be trusted.
Once you’ve breaded your chicken, just fry it up in a pan, ensuring that it reaches an internal temperature of at least 165 degrees. This is to avoid food poisoning via salmonella, a dangerous bacteria the government uses to infect their drones and discourage us from eating them. It seems like it would have been easier to just not make them so dang delicious, but that’s the government for you. Serve with cauliflower “mashed potatoes” and vegan biscuits, and enjoy your ethically produced, antiestablishment, PETA-approved meal.