I Refuse To Wear A Condom Until They Start Making Them Biodegradable
Even in the throes of passion, I cannot and will not be persuaded to wear a condom until the condom cartel (as I call the polluting condom manufacturers of the world) start making environmentally friendly, biodegradable condoms. One rubber tossed in the trash today will outlive the children that would be born if it were never used. It’s an ecological travesty, and I refuse to contribute to it.
Pump And Dump
A lot of people, like every sexual partner I’ve ever had, don’t realize that condoms don’t just go away when you pump them with seed and dump them in the trash. Lambskin condoms are the only type that biodegrades, but frankly, inserting the intestinal membrane of a baby sheep into a partner seems more unethical than throwing a latex condom into the ocean. I might as well be fondling my partner with a sausage. Lambskin is a nonstarter.
I wasn’t always this resolute. I used to wring condoms of their fluids, rinse them inside and out over a sink, and hang them on a clothesline to dry. Whenever I needed a condom, all I had to do was snap one out from between the teeth of a clothes pin and slip it on like an old, trusty sock. It would take about 7–12 uses before they start to show any real signs of wear and tear, but even throwing just one condom in the trash was too much for me. The only way to make the guilt go away was to never wear a condom again.
On The Concerns Of Lovers
Some partners have expressed concern about sexually transmitted diseases, to which I respond “Better an S.T.D. than have prophylactic toxins trickling into our water supply so children can sip the seepage of our lovemaking.” The oils and chemicals that go into manufacturing a condom are the real diseases we should be worrying about. How ironic that the sheath that protects us will one day ravage our planet just as terribly as the syphilis that ravages my own genitals.
Some partners have mistaken my sincere crusade to save the world as just an excuse to not wear a condom, but nothing could be further from the truth. Despite what they say, I think safe sex feels great. It just feels even better knowing that I’ve had sex while ensuring the human race will not poison itself into a painfully slow extinction thanks to biodegradable condoms.
If you’d like to save the planet and have a pretty good time while you’re at it, just give me a call. Together, we’ll be making a better, cleaner world for the children we will almost certainly fuck into existence.