I Refuse To Wear A Condom Until They Start Making Them Biodegradable

May 17, 2019 by , featured in Health
Share this on
  • 681
    Shares

Even in the throes of passion, I cannot and will not be persuaded to wear a condom until the condom cartel (as I call the polluting condom manufacturers of the world) start making environmentally friendly, biodegradable condoms. One rubber tossed in the trash today will outlive the children that would be born if it were never used. It’s an ecological travesty, and I refuse to contribute to it.

Pump And Dump

A lot of people, like every sexual partner I’ve ever had, don’t realize that condoms don’t just go away when you pump them with seed and dump them in the trash. Lambskin condoms are the only type that biodegrades, but frankly, inserting the intestinal membrane of a baby sheep into a partner seems more unethical than throwing a latex condom into the ocean. I might as well be fondling my partner with a sausage. Lambskin is a nonstarter.

wear a condom

I wasn’t always this resolute. I used to wring condoms of their fluids, rinse them inside and out over a sink, and hang them on a clothesline to dry. Whenever I needed a condom, all I had to do was snap one out from between the teeth of a clothes pin and slip it on like an old, trusty sock. It would take about 7–12 uses before they start to show any real signs of wear and tear, but even throwing just one condom in the trash was too much for me. The only way to make the guilt go away was to never wear a condom again.

MORE FROM BUNNY EARS
Your Most Recent Social Trauma Tells Us Which Of Our Candles You Should Buy

On The Concerns Of Lovers

Some partners have expressed concern about sexually transmitted diseases, to which I respond “Better an S.T.D. than have prophylactic toxins trickling into our water supply so children can sip the seepage of our lovemaking.” The oils and chemicals that go into manufacturing a condom are the real diseases we should be worrying about. How ironic that the sheath that protects us will one day ravage our planet just as terribly as the syphilis that ravages my own genitals.

wear a condom

Some partners have mistaken my sincere crusade to save the world as just an excuse to not wear a condom, but nothing could be further from the truth. Despite what they say, I think safe sex feels great. It just feels even better knowing that I’ve had sex while ensuring the human race will not poison itself into a painfully slow extinction thanks to biodegradable condoms.

If you’d like to save the planet and have a pretty good time while you’re at it, just give me a call. Together, we’ll be making a better, cleaner world for the children we will almost certainly fuck into existence.

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay


Share this on
  • 681
    Shares

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

I Refuse To Wear A Condom Until They Start Making Them Biodegradable


What To Look For When Shopping For A New Judge


A Beginner’s Guide To Indoor Plants


Enhance Sex With Stuff You’ve Seen In Your BF’s Raiding Guild


How to Start Your Rosé Popsicle Stand in 3 Easy Steps, As Long As One of Them Is Being Incredibly Rich


Cool Stuff to Buy

Stalk Us

logo
Home Lifestyle Pop Culture Wrestling Podcasts Videos About Us