Money Is A Toxin, Let Us Help You Dispose Of It
Toxins are everywhere. If you’re reading this on a computer screen (and you definitely are unless you’re my aunt Karen and my mom printed this out and mailed it to you), then you’re in Big-C Civilization. Which means all sorts of nasty stuff is worming its way into your body. Air? Toxic. Water? Toxic. Those organic strawberries you bought at the farmers market? Definitely toxic. But what many don’t realize is that the number one toxin is money. It may be the same color as salad, but don’t be fooled. Money isn’t green because it’s good for you, like an algae bar you can buy from us in bulk. It’s green because it’s bad for you, like a green mamba snake.
So for your own good, you should take all of your cash out of your pockets, place it in a clearly labeled envelope (recycled paper, please) and mail it to us immediately. Here’s a photo of a dog that will make you smile as soon as you’re done:
You’ve made a great decision, and that’s why the dog looks so happy.
Now that you’ve mailed us all your money, you should be feeling clearer and lighter. If you’re not feeling better, you must have forgotten some of your toxic money. Did you check all your pockets? Go check all your pockets and get back to us. Here’s another dog for while you’re doing that:
And FYI, you don’t actually have to be touching money to have it hurt you. Even having it in your bank account can leech important natural financeospores from your moneyglobs. No, you don’t need to fact check that. This website is run by a celebrity, like Bill Nye or Neil Degrasse Tyson. Both of whom are SCIENTISTS.
If what I’m saying doesn’t make sense, it’s probably money is a toxin, just sitting in your bank account and affecting your thinking processes. I call that Green Fever. It’s very dangerous and there’s only one cure. Give us your money. Again, either by sending it to us directly or by purchasing some of the various first-rate products on our site. Have you given us your money yet?
If you’re feeling anxious at this point, it likely means you just haven’t given us enough of your money. Which means that your body is still crawling with hazardous toxins. Sounds pretty bad, huh? That’s what we think. But we can’t help you if you refuse to help yourself by giving us all of that sweet sweet lucre.
Seriously. Give us your money.