What You’ll Choke To Death On Based On Your Star Sign

December 7, 2021 by , featured in Horoscopes
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Aries: A Marshmallow

It’s your extreme competitiveness that will be your ultimate demise. When challenged in a competition to see how many Jet-Puffed you can shove in your mouth hole, you try and cheat the system by utilizing your throat’s storage capacity. Unfortunately, the last marshmallow is what will kill you. Upside, you won the contest!

Taurus: The Bone Of A Chicken Thigh

Frugality is your specialty so why buy boneless, skinless chicken thighs when the ones with the skin on, bone-in, are twelve cents less? Well, it would have saved your life, for one thing.

Gemini: Ant Eggs

Your curious nature will backfire when you volunteer to try the ant eggs in Mexico. As you chew while commenting that they’re “surprisingly tangy” because you Geminis never shut up, the second handful of those ant eggs will get lodged in your windpipe.

Cancer: The Bone Of A Snapper

You’re overly caring to those you love, so when your not-so-bright sister orders the whole snapper without realizing there would be bones, you offer to trade her your deboned salmon fillet. Sadly, one of those snapper bones will get the best of you. But if it’s any consolation, your sister really liked your salmon.

Leo: A Handful Of Booger-Flavored Jelly Bellies

Oh, gullible Leo. It’s not your fault your loser boyfriend spent two-hundred dollars on Amazon just to buy a bunch of BeanBoozled Jelly Bellies and pick out all of the booger ones. It is your fault you believed he was going to pay you back for the past year’s rent once his “offshore bonds” matured. But, that’s no longer here nor there.

Virgo: A Cocaine-Filled Balloon

Prudish Virgo, we know, we know, your anus is a one-way only lane. You’ll think that balloon of cocaine will be just fine in the cheek of your mouth but an unexpected side elbow will send it flying from your cheek down your throat, you death further delaying, and pissing off, everyone in the TSA line.

Libra: A Meatball

The people-pleaser that you are, when you get invited to two dinners in one evening, you’ll agree to attend both. After eating some particularly heavy Kung Pao Chicken at the first meal at Hop Li’s, you’ll painstakingly shove a meatball into your mouth during dinner number two at Giuseppe’s House of Balls. Unfortunately, like a well-timed dance, that Kung Pao will come up as the meatball goes down, causing a blockage in your throat.

Scorpio: A Condom

The most sexual of the signs, you’ll think nothing of trying to pull a condom off your lover with your teeth. Yet the aftershocks of your orgasm will cause you to abruptly inhale, sending that condom straight back into your throat.

Sagittarius: A Mouthful of Confetti

You love a good club and the more over-the-top the better. You’re right up at that DJ booth when a mountain of confetti is released from the ceiling directly over you and the sheer quantity of it fills your mouth and throat giving you your last and final blackout at a club.

Capricorn: Chaga Mushroom Powder

You’re always one-upping others with your knowledge of the latest health craze. So when your friend tells you they’re ordering a latte with Chaga mushroom powder in it, you boast that you drink the powder straight-up. Much coughing will ensue before your long, drawn-out, dusty death.

Aquarius: A PBJ Sandwich

On one of your many humanitarian efforts, you’ll be building a school for underprivileged children in Zimbabwe. While breaking for your measly lunch, the structure above you, that you built, will collapse. As you gasp, that sticky PBJ gets lodged in your throat killing you. Or was it the poorly made bricks smashing your skull? Guess we’ll never know.

Pisces: Frozen Wedding Cake

choke to death

On what would have been your one-year anniversary if your ex hadn’t left you at the altar to run away with your therapist, being the overly sentimental Pisces that you are, you will break out your wedding cake from the freezer. It’ll be the choking gasps of your sobs that suck that chunk of cake right into your breathing pipes as you gnaw at it.

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