This Mom’s New Years Resolution Is To Get Turnt The Fuck Up
Ladies, it’s New Years resolution time, and this year, I’ve made a big one. Two years ago, I wanted to lose 10 lbs., and I did! The year before that, I wanted to devote more time to crafting, and I totally did. This year, my goal is to get shwiggity fuckin’ shwasted, and I can’t wait to get to it!
Parenting is hard. My kids are great, but you know what else is great? Duct-taping a couple of forties to my hands and grinding on an inflatable palm tree. Going full Coyote Ugly at your local VFW because there just aren’t enough places in this town to get totally turnt.
My mother suggested that this year, my New Year’s resolution could be to spend more time with the Lord. I explained to her that I actually am going to be spending more time with someone who speaks to the Lord. He lives in the woods behind the gas station and sells bags of mysterious pills.
But my husband has been so supportive. His goal is to finally start composting, which is so important for the environment. I plan to help the environment, too, by pooping outside in a stranger’s garden, returning my waste to the earth to help things grow. I just love how my resolution and his resolution can work together.
My kids didn’t really understand. When my daughter and I shared our New Year’s resolutions (hers is to learn to read), she seemed confused. I was like “Come on, Sharon, we don’t have to pretend here. You’re six years old. You know what I mean what I say I’m going to get pissed as a newt.”
She just stared at me, so I elaborated. “Wall-eyed, barking at the moon, squiffy, corked, off my face, etc.” Still nothing. After an awkward pause, she slowly shoved an entire Barbie shoe up her nose, and then I had to take her to the doctor because she’s not very supportive of my goals.
Honestly, I don’t need my daughter’s support in this. This isn’t about her. This is about me and my good friend, Jack Daniel’s, getting better acquainted. Sometimes, when you’re a mom, you get so into the kid stuff that you don’t have time for the finer things in life. I miss ballet. I miss classical music. I miss eating all of the cheese off of a pizza at 3:00 A.M. and waking up to a pile of sauce-coated bread for breakfast.
The important thing that I think people forget about New Year’s resolutions is that you have to make time for them. I swear, this year, I’m not just going to wait for the opportunity to get turnt to come to me. I’m going to make the turnt happen.
Getting turnt the fuck up is definitely something that I cherish whenever I get the chance. That’s why I’m writing this: so that you guys can hold me accountable. If you see me on New Year’s Eve and I’ve still got my top on, please, please, make sure I continue drinking.