As a Christian Gamer, I Only Drink My Wife’s Bathwater

January 22, 2022 by , featured in Pop Culture
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When people think of gamers, they don’t often think of Christians. And it’s true—many modern games are infested with sinful demonic imagery or homosexual elves (while it’s okay for an elf to have homosexual feelings, it’s not okay to act on them). So when I read about gamers around the world paying $30 for a bottle of Belle Delphine’s bathwater, I went to her site and spent a great deal of time contemplating how the Devil had taken her by the hand and led her smooth body astray. It’s a tragedy. As a Christian gamer, I only drink my wife’s bathwater.

When I stood up in front of God and my community, I pledged to drink my wife’s bathwater in sickness and in health for as long as we both shall live. I do occasionally get violently ill, but I like to think of that as the lord purging me of my wickedness.

How it works.

My wife and I follow the “Billy Graham bathwater rule.” I am never alone with water another woman has bathed in unless I myself am carrying a thermos full of my beautiful wife Millie’s sweat juice in my GOD LOVES ME, FISH FEAR ME thermos. This has made our annual Schlitterbahn trips run a lot smoother.

But like any Christian gamer, I feel temptation. Sin is always knocking at the door, waiting with a snifter of a beautiful Japanese woman’s sweat. But not a DROP shall reach my tongue, even if my wife is currently denying me her potent ambrosia because I criticized the density of her frog eye salad at the Easter barbecue.

One time, at my family’s yearly ranch retreat, we were hot tubbing with another couple (don’t worry, we were all fully dressed). And as much as I may have thought about dipping my head down and lapping up that adulterous, sunscreen-scented liquor, I begged the Lord to help me remain pure. And God rained his blessings upon us, because my wife got pregnant in that hot tub, which I had previously believed was impossible after a doctor told me my sperm “could not even make it through the first level of Asteroids, metaphorically speaking.”

Remember, it’s a beautiful and sacred thing when a man drinks from his beloved spouse’s bathtub within the covenant of marriage. Make sure your wife knows you appreciate the flavor and turbulence of her bathwater.

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  1. The headline made me think that there could be some interesting and witty satirical angles on this, instead it was just predictable, boring, and unoriginal.

  2. At first I thought it was going to be thoughtful satire. Then I read the description of the author and had high hopes. I’m still not sure if it’s just a failed attempt at humor or the mindless, judgmental rhetoric that I despise in so many authors who seem to think their judgments are simply opinions. Yes, it’s hypocritical for me to make judgments about your judgments, but that’s the point of offering up your thoughts in a public forum isn’t it? To invite judgment. I feel sad for you that your mind lives in such a confined space, but if that’s where you’re happiest then it’s none of my business really.

      1. I for one, found your story twistedly humorous. I points out the utterly absurd mindset of alleged ‘Christians’. You may have thought your little tale completely improbable, but I’m sure that somewhere, some mealy mouthed little God botherer who is bent on starting his own little cult,is seriously considering the bathwater ritual. In short, I appreciate your bent humor..alot

  3. Maybe you just shouldn’t drink bathwater. Not your wife’s not anyone’s. Gay elves rock BTW as do gay humans. Judgemental Christians not follow the word of Jesus to love everyone do not rock at all

  4. Ohhh but the Lord did test me when she decided to take showers, for she found it crass and perverse when I would crouch and take my fill. Even so doing, the water was diluted, the essence pale and tasteless…for it was not bathwater. Yet as the child grew within her, she hardened her heart against the notion of the tub, stating that the descent and rise from its holy porcelain bower caused her weariness. I thought perhaps, when the miraculous re-headed child was born to two with black hair, that the hot-tub had been too hot, and the showers as well! But no, my good wife would not return to the bath, and I was left with the sorest of temptations, an emptiness which I cannot fill…

  5. It isn’t funny.

    Replace Christians with another religion, race, or class of people, and you see why. “We’re so smart and sophisticated, and the ____ are such rubes!” That’s humor?

  6. Chemist here. Should be “flavor and turbidity” not turbulence. Trust me, I have chemically analyzed many a bath of H20.

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