Extremely Local Eating: Steal From Your Neighbor’s Garden

October 2, 2022 by , featured in Food and Recipes
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Eating locally is an important way to make sure everyone knows you care about the environment and also don’t need to eat cheap Mexican fruit. Of course, the best way to do that is to cultivate your very own vegetable garden. It doesn’t get much more local than right outside your artfully decorated terrace. The problem is that that’s, like, a lot of work. Luckily, you live in a neighborhood of sufficiently high property values that your neighbors care even more than you do about giving off an eco-conscious vibe. Here’s the full low-down on having the fruits of their labor and eating them, too.

Dress For Success

Lucky for you, camo is so in this season. Go into any high-end boutique and you’ll find camo leggings, camo cardigans, and everything in between, all in locally sourced organic cotton.

You’ll need a ski mask to obscure your identity in case you’re spotted, but those tend to be rather plain, so feel free to Bejewel that shit. Just stick to darker colors that won’t reflect the light too much. Then just wait until nightfall, grab the Fendi you’d least mind getting dirty, and get to pluckin’.

Be Cool

Your neighbors will inevitably start to notice that they have a lot less kale than usual, so be prepared when they start knocking on doors and asking questions. You don’t want to get caught off-guard and stammer that you go to bed at 7pm sharp so you can work in four hours of yoga before work each morning, because then you’ll be forced to keep up that lie until one of you moves or dies. Do you want to live in complete darkness for the last few hours of every evening in case they peep the telltale glow of Netflix and the jig is up? I didn’t think so. Instead, simply act too busy and self-involved to deign to notice the goings-on of the neighborhood. They’ll probably never bother you again.

Be Aware of Your Surroundings

When their door-to-door campaign yields no useful leads, your neighbors might start taking extra security measures like installing surveillance cameras. Be on the lookout for them, and Google how to disable them as soon as you know they suspect something’s up. Being prepared is the name of the game.

Befriend the Attack Dog

So, your neighbors have upped their security system.

Don’t panic. That li’l pooch is probably a lot more friendly than he looks. Just start tucking some tofu bacon in your Fendi before each excursion and soon enough Krull the Terrier King will be literally eating out of your hand. You should already be keeping tofu bacon in your freezer anyway. Have you tried that shit? It’s a game-changer.

Branch Out

Alright, you’ve mastered the basics, and by now, you’re probably starting to get cocky. What other agricultural goodies could you be getting for free? Depending on where you live, your options are limitless. Raid a cotton field and never buy Q-tips again. Learn the ways of bees and help yourself to some local honey. Straight-up steal a cow. Just a whole-ass cow. Don’t worry about where you’ll put it; that’s a problem for future you. For the ultimate score, I guarantee you someone in your zip code has themselves an herb garden of questionable legality.

Just realize that you’re gonna get shot. At this point, you’re not just swiping someone’s personal yam stash – you’re messing with their livelihood. This goes double for pot farmers. But high risk equals high reward. Just reckon with the reality of it, invest in some stylish Kevlar, acquaint yourself with some basic first-aid (you already have if the tofu bacon didn’t work), and fucking go for it. You’ve got nothing to lose but glory and a few vital organs.

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