Charitable Pooping Is A Thing And Allow Me To Explain
There are so many people nowadays with an array of bowel ailments who need donations of healthy fecal matter to correct their ravaged gut biomes. I try to help out by offering donations to whoever needs them, like my friend, William. Unfortunately, life can get hectic. I don’t always have the time to deposit the donation in a doctor-approved receptacle and then drop it off at a medical facility, so I came up with a way to make donations easy for me and William. I leave it neatly piled on his doorstep.
It’s A Real Thing!
The medical term for the procedure is bacteriotherapy. I’m a little fuzzy on the technical details of how it all works, but in broad strokes, fecal matter packed with healthy bacteria is taken from a generous donor (me) and deposited into a sick patient’s colon to help them fight off a variety of gut illnesses. It goes without saying that the whole thing can make people feel awkward, especially a bashful fellow like William. Most people don’t even want to acknowledge that they’re capable of defecating, let alone ask someone for a fecal donation. Luckily, I’m the generous sort. William has never once asked me for a donation, and he’ll never have to. I do it out of the kindness of my heart and through a breakaway hole I’ve sewn into a pair of track pants so I can donate more efficiently.
Of course, anybody can be generous when they have the means. I am fortunate enough to be in perfect gut health. I produce immaculate stools up to three times a day. You can imagine how terrible I felt when I found out about fecal donations. I’d spent my whole life with these potentially life-saving stools inside of me when they could be in someone else’s rectum, a rectum more deserving of their potent manna. As luck would have it, I heard through the grapevine that William was suffering from an ailment that could be remedied by a steady regimen of my own fecal matter. I jumped at the chance to help good old William through some good old-fashioned charitable pooping.
His place was easy enough to find. Whenever my wife told me she was going to the gym, I’d follow her about four car lengths back as she unwittingly led me directly to his lovely home. Nicer than ours. Some gorgeous cars, too, and a well-manicured lawn. But I didn’t see any workout equipment when I looked through the windows. It must have been in the basement.
There Are Some Hurdles
It can be difficult to become a fecal donor. There’s a litany of hoops to jump through and many tests to run. We didn’t have time to waste. Poor William was in such pain. Out of the kindness of my heart I took up charitable pooping. I started leaving my healthy, bulky stools conveniently on his doorstep every day. Quietly, of course. I wouldn’t want to disturb their vigorous and steamy workout sessions.
I don’t want to pat myself on the back too much, but I can tell my charitable pooping is already working wonders. William has a noticeable spring in his step that becomes especially pronounced after he steps in my donation. Treatment periods usually run about 60 days, but I’m going to go the extra mile to make sure he stays healthy enough to keep training my wife multiple times per week, sometimes twice an hour. No matter where he goes, no matter what he does, William can rest assured knowing that out of the kindness of my heart, I’ll leave a big, steaming donation all over everything he owns for the rest of his life.