The Most Traumatizing Public Sex Maneuvers For Innocent Bystanders
Outdoor sex can be made even hotter by knowing that someone is standing nearby, trying not to look at you because they don’t want to see pallid, sweaty flesh banging against other pallid, sweaty flesh. Spice up your summer with these super-steamy, traumatizing sex positions that will surely scar strangers.
The Beach Comber
At first, someone might think you’re just rubbing sunscreen on your partner’s back, but if they squint — and trust us, they will — they’ll be able to see and then never unsee that you and your partner are going at it underneath your beach umbrella. “Why would someone do that sex here on this public beach when there’s a private beach 2 feet over?” is the question traumatized onlookers will ask. Your screams of ecstasy will be the answer.
The Picnic Blanket
Even if you have sex fully clothed at a public park, you can still telegraph that you and your partner are doing the nasty through truly traumatizing sex positions. As you sit on your partner’s lap and thrust, everyone else at the park will wonder “Are those two people having sex? No, they couldn’t be. Oh, my god. Wait. No. They are. They totally are! How do I forget this ever happened?’
The “Don’t Go in the Water”
This sex position can and should be done in a public hot tub. Everyone who’s staying at the same hotel will be fully in the splash zone. Sure, someone might complain about you and your traumatizing sex to the hotel staff because this is a place where families vacation, and yes, you might never again be allowed to stay at any Marriott-affiliated hotel or resort, but it’s worth it!
The “The Neighbors Are Watching”
You don’t have to go to a public location to traumatize other people. You can etch your bare flesh in someone else’s mind right from the comforts of your own home. Grab your sex partner and head out into your backyard at a time when you know your neighbors are at home. Bonus: They can’t call the cops because you’re on your own property!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…