Sure. Just google what’s in ras el hanout and blend together whatever shit you have in your spice rack.
It’s not just that I really wanna soak him in my pee.
Your vacation won’t be relaxing if you have to scream, “I want water! Water. WATER. WAAAT-ERR!” every time you’re thirsty.
You’re not cheating. You’re simply engaging in sexual acts with people outside your marriage without telling your partner about it. And that’s different. There’s a different label on it. And a book. And a website. So it’s fine.
Think about a heavy coat and also goggles.
Nothing says, “I don’t want to lose you, but I also don’t want to lose my marriage” like vaguely-Asian pot stickers.
But how did I get regular after taking the supplements when I was so constipated before, you ask? Guess what. That was also you. Your poops were stuck inside your colon waiting for you to believe in yourself.
Stop treating your A-hole like your B-hole.
It’s not okay to go on vacation and have an affair. We should have known that. That’s on us. But also, you should have known not to take that advice, so that’s on you, too.
It’s never a positive sign if your husband is suddenly snapped back to 2019 without any clothes on and a slightly sweaty sheen to him.
100% of people who breathe oxygen will die at some point in their life.
You might never be able to stay at any Marriott-affiliated hotel or resort again. But it’s worth it!
Being a stepmom is tough, but it can also be rewarding, like when your stepson begrudgingly says you can ride with him to your five-year high school reunion.
We’re all going to die someday, but dumb toddlers usually don’t figure that out so soon. Whoops.
This episode is guaranteed to be a Game of Thrones and End Game spoiler-free zone, because Ryan hasn’t gotten into either of those things.
Because this is apparently what you guys want? Really?
If you get halfway through a cookie and find out it has pistachios, you can go ahead and finish it if the cookie is really good.
Pretty soon I stopped saying, “I’m sorry, why is this extra hot latte I asked for undrinkably hot? Are you trying to kill me via Starbucks?” and started saying, “Thank you for burning my tongue and ruining my day, you incompetent shit.”
I tried out this new Face/Off procedure so I could see what I could learn about my childhood in order to be able to exploit it for an internet article. Here is what I learned.
Hint: You’re not going to want to go anywhere near a What Kind of Fast Food are You Based on Your Zodiac article if you’re a Pisces!
Remember, your sex life doesn’t need to follow the Geneva Convention, so just have fun with it!
It feels good to unplug from society. It’s almost like Walden Pond, because Henry David Thoreau also had his mom nearby to help him out if he ever needed anything, like the password for the wifi.
Where would gender equality be if Jacobson didn’t have the strength to write social media posts and that one Medium article? We’d probably lose the right to vote, that’s where!
That’s right—working isn’t just for poor people.
Do you know what it’s like to have your child come home with a report card that says she’s “such a bright student and a joy to be around” but says nothing – nothing – about you?
You’ll look fabulous—no matter how many atrocities you commit!
We would publish photos of the dress, but those unfitting of the dress won’t be able to see it, feel jealous, and then report us for posting images of naked women. Please don’t hate us because our eyes can see a fabric that represents the epitome of haute couture!
We’ve all been there.
New Orleans celebrates Mardi Gras the two weeks before Shrove Tuesday, which is … when?
Because therapy is expensive.
If you breed your children, you’re literally worse than a hypothetical love child made from the union of Hitler and Stalin, who was then was nannied by Pol Pot.
Like the say in business school, “Don’t blow your money. Let your money blow you.”
If you’re in Vegas, you’re going to end up with the body of a dead hooker – either accidentally or on purpose, so it’s best to plan ahead!
