You Can Now Use Face/Off Technology To Explore Your Mommy Issues
You know what they say: You don’t really know another person’s experience until you walk a mile in their shoes or spend a day with their face. That’s why more and more people are turning to Face/Off therapy to explore their mommy issues. Described as both revolutionary and controversial, Face/Off technology combines face transplants with soul searching. It’s like the face swap filter if it was covered by insurance and involved local anesthesia.
I tried out this new Face/Off procedure to see what insights I could glean about my childhood. Here is what I learned.
The Procedure is Painless
The procedure is just what it sounds like: You swap faces with your mother just like mortal enemies Sean Archer and Castor Troy did in the movie Face/Off, starring John Travolta and Nicholas Cage. The simple lunchtime procedure allows you to return to work the same day, just wearing your mom’s face. I was able to return to my desk immediately after, a little bit groggy but more aware that I should probably start moisturizing once I got my original face back. My mom’s skin was a little dry, and I knew that in 30 years, that would be my skin.
You’ll See Things Through Her Face But Not Her Eyes
The technology to swap eyes with someone else doesn’t exist yet. It’s just the face skin and surrounding neck area, so while it might help you out to have people greeting you by your mother’s name, people who know you well won’t be fooled. Like, I couldn’t trick my dad or my brother because my mom has green eyes and I have blue. I guess, in that capacity, the Face/Off technology could have been improved. Maybe in a few years, it’ll get better and we’ll actually be able to swap eyes with our mothers as well.
You Understand Why She Did What She Did
It scarred me for life when my mom made us wear matching mother-daughter outfits to church every Sunday, but after spending the day with her face on, I understood why she insisted on identical outfits. Understanding her actions effectively un-scarred me. The face, however, left scars. Actual, physical scars. When they put your face back on, you’re left with the incision marks where they cut your face off, sewed your mom’s face on, cut your mom’s face off, then put your original face back on.
Being Your Mother is Exhausting
At the end of the day, I was tired of being called “Joanne.” I couldn’t wait to get my own face on! However, when I got to the doctor’s office, I was told that they hadn’t seen the ending of Face/Off yet and didn’t know how they got the faces back on in the movie. My mother and I were unable to re-swap our faces. This makes me unlikely to try Face/Off therapy again, mostly because I literally can’t.
I guess what they say is true: You really do turn into your mother … some of us more than others.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…