Heidi Lux

R.I.P. Kim.

It has all the ingredients of banana bread?

Your body deserves the best.

He was born after most of these gems ended!

Like, VERY hungry.

“You know, I’m sad, but I’m not surprised,” the Rat King said.

It’s science!

Seriously, guys. Not cool.

Build up you defenses in the most disgusting place on earth!

These jeans are the ultimate staycation location for those times you want to get away but don’t want to go very far.

For curious mediators.

Avoid humiliation, you giant barbarian.

It can be hard for them to understand.

You have to fart otherwise you’ll get sick. Just go with me on this.

This is what Best Leader wants for us.

You deserve answers.

Don’t let the stress of a home invasion get to you.

Have you met Bacillus Subtilis?

Stop treating your A-hole like your B-hole.

It debuted at E3.

100% of people who breathe oxygen will die at some point in their life.

You might never be able to stay at any Marriott-affiliated hotel or resort again. But it’s worth it!

Being a stepmom is tough, but it can also be rewarding, like when your stepson begrudgingly says you can ride with him to your five-year high school reunion.

We’re all going to die someday, but dumb toddlers usually don’t figure that out so soon. Whoops.

This episode is guaranteed to be a Game of Thrones and End Game spoiler-free zone, because Ryan hasn’t gotten into either of those things.

But how did I get regular after taking the supplements when I was so constipated before, you ask? Guess what. That was also you. Your poops were stuck inside your colon waiting for you to believe in yourself.

Sure. Just google what’s in ras el hanout and blend together whatever shit you have in your spice rack.

If you get halfway through a cookie and find out it has pistachios, you can go ahead and finish it if the cookie is really good.

Aaron Sorkin had better take notes, because Allee opens up about the real social network.

Pretty soon I stopped saying, “I’m sorry, why is this extra hot latte I asked for undrinkably hot? Are you trying to kill me via Starbucks?” and started saying, “Thank you for burning my tongue and ruining my day, you incompetent shit.”

Your vacation won’t be relaxing if you have to scream, “I want water! Water. WATER. WAAAT-ERR!” every time you’re thirsty.

I tried out this new Face/Off procedure so I could see what I could learn about my childhood in order to be able to exploit it for an internet article. Here is what I learned.

Hint: You’re not going to want to go anywhere near a What Kind of Fast Food are You Based on Your Zodiac article if you’re a Pisces!

Think about a heavy coat and also goggles.

It’s not just that I really wanna soak him in my pee.

Mack nerds out on video games with the Angry Video Game Nerd, and Bunny Ears podcast recurring characters Shawn DePasquale and Stewart Miller.

Remember, your sex life doesn’t need to follow the Geneva Convention, so just have fun with it!

Nothing says, “I don’t want to lose you, but I also don’t want to lose my marriage” like vaguely-Asian pot stickers.

It feels good to unplug from society. It’s almost like Walden Pond, because Henry David Thoreau also had his mom nearby to help him out if he ever needed anything, like the password for the wifi.

Where would gender equality be if Jacobson didn’t have the strength to write social media posts and that one Medium article? We’d probably lose the right to vote, that’s where!

It’s not okay to go on vacation and have an affair. We should have known that. That’s on us. But also, you should have known not to take that advice, so that’s on you, too.

It’s never a positive sign if your husband is suddenly snapped back to 2019 without any clothes on and a slightly sweaty sheen to him.

It’s not easy, but it’s possible!

That’s right—working isn’t just for poor people.

You’re not cheating. You’re simply engaging in sexual acts with people outside your marriage without telling your partner about it. And that’s different. There’s a different label on it. And a book. And a website. So it’s fine.