How To Get Around The NDA You Signed When You Boned Tom Hardy
We’ve all been there. Crawling out of Tom Hardy’s London apartment at 4 A.M. (through the back entrance so no one will see you), panties in your purse, giddy smile across your face. And while it’s understandable you want to brag to everyone that you fucked Venom–Venom–you’re prevented from doing so because of an NDA as tight as Tom Hardy’s ass. Legally, last night never happened. However, there are some workarounds. You just need to know the right way to get around your contract!
1. Talk With Others Who Have Broken The “Sex with Tom Hardy” NDA
Tom Hardy uses the same NDA for all of his sexual conquests. Consult the other women (or men–no judgements) who have had to sign the same NDA as you and see how they were able to work around the clause that says, “The Party shall not disclose any and all details of or pertaining to the Encounter, Mr. Hardy, or any and all events in, around, on, by, or near said Encounter.” If you know that they also fucked Tom Hardy, then trust us, they got around the paperwork somehow.
2. See If Tom Hardy Breached His Side Of The Agreement
Also, check to see if Tom Hardy has anything to uphold/if he is currently in breach of anything on the document. Disclaimer: Since he created the contract, he probably doesn’t. It’s more than likely Tom Hardy won’t face any repercussions if he tells his best friend he screamed out his own name while fucking some rando. But if Tom Hardy does tell someone, take consolation in the fact that there will be at least one person on this earth who knows that you. Fucked. Tom. Hardy.
3. Ask Tom Hardy To Terminate The NDA
Write a formal letter to Tom Hardy explaining why it’s so important to you that you let other people know you were up close and personal with a movie star’s penis. Let him know that you have no intention of damaging his reputation. You’ll tell everyone he’s an amazing lay (even though he struggled to climax and cried a little), and you definitely won’t write a think piece about the experience for Medium. He’ll never read the letter, and it’ll never get to him, but at least you’re being proactive!
4. Let Everyone Know You Had To Sign An NDA
If you don’t tell anyone what the NDA was for, you’re in the clear. The simple sentence, “I met Tom Hardy at a night club, and, well, let’s just say I had to sign an NDA. Wink!” will say everything you’re legally prohibited from mentioning. After all, there’s nothing in the NDA that says you can’t say the NDA exists. That’s what we call a loophole, baby!
5. Just Pay The Fucking Fine
Consider it your “bragging rights fee.” Sure, you’ll have to pay an exorbitant amount of money if Tom Hardy ever finds out you told everyone in line behind you at Whole Foods that he’s not circumcised, but it’ll be worth it. Countless people will know that you know his dick details first-hand!
If you didn’t sleep with Tom Hardy, but you did sleep with, say, Channing Tatum, the above advice still stands. However, if you sleep with Jon Hamm (or any of the cast of The Wire), you’re unfortunately on your own.