Biodegradable Workout Equipment You’ll Only Use Once Anyway
Even in workout trends, the need to cut down on resources and limit landfill is a pressing concern. Luckily, we’ve found a tremendous loophole that could cure exercise-related waste forever: your overwhelming, inescapable laziness! You can save the planet by finally accepting that you are never going to use your biodegradable workout equipment more than once.
Take A Weight Off
If we could estimate, we would guess you have bought one set of hand weights every January since graduating from college. There they sit, crowding up a corner of your bedroom floor, inevitably waiting for you to drunkenly stub your toe on one and throw the whole set in the trash. That’s why we’ve invented plantable barbells for lazy slobs like you! After you’ve gotten through your single 10-minute workout on January 5, simply plant these in your garden and wait until spring. Filled to the brim with seeds, your weights will slowly germinate and sprout, and by April, you’ll have a whole crop of carrots. You’ll forget to pick them, of course, but they’ll provide food for rats, and rats are part of the environment.
Resistance Is Futile
Resistance bands are a great way to get a workout with the constant threat of being rubber-banded into space. You bought these when a physical therapist friend told you that you had the posture of a broken Lego set, and by God, you used them twice.
While the rubber construction of these exercise tools is basically an arsenic cocktail for the planet, our newly reimagined biodegradable workout equipment are about to fling you forward into the world of fashion. After using these bands the required one time, you can simply wrap our stylish, green-friendly bands around your pants as a belt. They come in multiple sizes, so as you continue to not exercise, you can just attach more and more until you are mummified in planet-loving resistance bands.
Who among us, dreaming of inner bliss, has not bought 12 yoga mats that now stand judgmentally in a corner? Sure, you had big plans for waking at 6;00 A.M. and meditating before a light 55-minute asana, but let’s be honest: You once recorded a round of mini-golf as “strenuous activity.”
Our biodegradable yoga mats dissolve into the floor after the first and only use, adding a springy bounce to your every step. You don’t have to deal with your useless mat crullers shaming you, and your house benefits from improved insulation. Is this enabling you to wallow in your inherent laziness? Or is it putting a little bit of yoga into every step you take? You get to decide!