Sorry, but the Latest Self-Care Fad Is Letting Badgers Maul Your Genitals
Exciting and baffling news, wellness enthusiasts! Bunny Ears is thrilled, and also confused, to announce that the hot new self-care trend is to let ornery badgers maul your genitals. Experts say that this will eliminate toxins, or help us confront self-doubt or something along those lines. And the best part, we think, is that it works equally well for men and women! So slather some dead worms and grubs on your junk and let a badger go to town! You don’t want to look like an idiot by missing out on the latest fad, do you?
Don’t Be Badgered By Conmen
You’ve probably noticed badger stores popping up all around you, and now you know why. Doesn’t it feel good to be in the loop? But don’t think that you can just waltz into your local Badgerama or Badger King or independent Badger retailer and immediately become a badger mauling therapy (BMT) pro. There are, unfortunately, sleazy salesmen out there who will try to upsell you on a fancy Asian badger, exaggerate the effects of grub cleanser, talk your ear off about the need for a post BMT session bandaging, or otherwise pray on innocent people who are just looking to make an honest improvement to their physical and mental health.
So let us set the record straight. The BMT professionals, of which there are somehow many at this early stage in this ground-breaking new process, are unanimous in proclaiming the common European badger to be the only kind of therapy badger that you need. Why? We’re not sure, something about their teeth or scent or the way their fur bristles. Who are we to argue with the pros? They’ve been studying BMT for weeks!
It Probably Has Health Benefits Maybe!
There’s simply no need to get fancy here. If you’re serious about pursuing BMT for its therapeutic benefits, you don’t need the elaborate BMT routines used by bandwagoning celebrities or the Instagram-friendly badger studios used by all the big influencers. Let them get their Likes and Retweets. You’ll be getting something far more important: a more confident you. Or a healthier sex drive, a stronger liver, an improved ability to self-actualize, or something else that’s good. Just stick to the basics. A comfortable chair, a groin coated in freeze-dried insects, and a badger that you’ve strategically starved for 72 hours. Put those essentials in your life and the benefits will flow from them. A multi-million dollar industry can’t be wrong!
Now, we’re not going to lie to you. Letting a badger tear into your genitals with primal ferocity can be painful. But you know what else is painful? Not living up to your full potential as a human being. If you have any doubts that the pain will be worth it, just look at the inspirational life story of BMT creator Julia Muntz. She was in the dregs of despair after her attempt to launch a badger meat farm failed, but did she let her spirit sink? No! She discovered the benefits of letting badgers maul her genitals, and success after success followed. If BMT helped an exciting entrepreneur like Ms. Muntz, we’d be stupid not to endorse it.