Dreamy Spring Beach Escapes That Are Already Booked By Better People

December 1, 2021 by , featured in Travel Guides
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Spring fever is taking over, and the perfect time to plan that gorgeous getaway was … a month ago. You’ve once again allowed all that “adult responsibility” stuff to get in the way, and now your spring beach escape is in severe danger. The next best thing is reading about one on the Internet, probably, so we’re here to help! Here are the most luxurious, dreamy beach escapes you could’ve gone on if better, worthier, and more attractive people hadn’t booked them first.

An Exotic Ocean Cabana

beach escapes

You could be spending your spring break staring down at a crystalline reef, draping your feet all sexy off the deck. Each day would start with a delivery of exotic fruits by a monkey in a boat, possibly. After that, flowers would just float down from the sky and land in your hair. Your problems would dissolve as you found true bliss. But nope, that’s not going to happen. Because of who?

Noted Actor Tom Hanks

It’s true. Tom Hanks has stolen your perfect exotic beach getaway, and he doesn’t even care that you’re sad. He’s going to be unwinding under the tropical starlight, not thinking about you. As a result, you’re becoming the only person on Earth who hates Tom Hanks.

A Stunning Grecian Villa


If, for once in your life, you had gotten your shit together by February, you could’ve rented this Grecian architectural masterpiece. You would have partied like the gods themselves as red wine was poured over you in the ancient limestone spa. Dolphins would have frolicked for your enjoyment. Cubes of chilled feta would be fed to you by handsome locals. It would have changed your life and your outlook, now and forever, if not for this jerk:

The Dalai Lama

beach escapes

The Dalai Lama is going to be straight chillin’ on your terraced balcony. He booked it right out from under you, and to add insult to injury, you can’t argue that you deserve it more.

A Stunning Full-Service Resort


Of course, the best beach escapes are ones where there are no demands on you, and if you weren’t a loser, you could’ve booked a suite at this absolutely mind-blowing all-inclusive resort. This vacation includes everything from your laundry to your orgasms. Butt-wiping is handled by a reigning beauty queen, and your companion/personal chef is Oprah. Not Oprah’s personal chef; Oprah herself. You and Oprah could be sharing croissants on your balcony, all of which are filled with puppies, as we speak. There’s only one person standing in your way:

A Very Sick Child

Your life is in such shambles a little baby who can’t walk up the stairs or use Travelocity has beaten you to the punch. We don’t know what to tell you on this one. If you can justify hating a sick child, you have to admit you don’t deserve a beach vacation. Keep holding onto the idea that you’re still a decent person as you’re imagining this frail little one drinking your fresh-squeezed pineapple juice and being serenaded by her in-room entertainer, who is Sting. Maybe this last indignity will finally convince you next year that “the holidays” end on goddamn January 1, and if you don’t get the vacation you want, you’re probably getting the vacation you deserve.

Images: Pexels, Pixabay, Yeoman 1st Class Donna Lou Morgan, Pexels, Lonyi, Pexels, Pexels

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