Healthy, Natural Foods To Eat Off A Dick
By now, you’ve surely heard of Cosmopolitan’s infamous “eat a doughnut off a dick” sex tip. It’s been much mocked by the internet, as it rightly should, because who in their right mind still eats doughnuts? All that processed sugar, all those poisonous trans fats? Miss me on that train, fellow dick suckers. For those of us eating clean, no matter who we’re eating, here are some healthy, natural dick dishes that you will both insist you actually enjoyed.
The Grapefruit Method
If you haven’t heard of the grapefruit method, Google it, because I don’t think even our sponsors would be too happy with us linking to the relevant instructional videos. Basically, it means sucking a dick through a grapefruit. It’s an all-natural alternative to a doughnut while maintaining the spirit of the exercise. The grapefruit method doesn’t actually involve eating the grapefruit, but there’s no reason you can’t nibble while you work. You can also save it as a snack for later!
Feeling more experimental? Try with all your might to summon those deeply repressed memories of your Girl Scouts troop and make yourself a dickfeeder. It’s like a bird feeder, but instead of a pine cone on a string, it’s a dick, and the only bird it will feed is you. Take out your jar of natural peanut or almond butter, give it a stir, and dip the dick of your choice in it. Take it out and dunk it in a bowl of granola, popcorn, seeds, nuts, whatever healthy mix-ins your heart desires. (Don’t neglect the balls for a triple-nut treat.) Bonus: It’s a good shot of protein you’d otherwise be missing if you don’t swallow.
The Dick Smoothie
Everyone loves a good dick in the morning, so why not include it as part of this balanced breakfast? Start with some organic, unprocessed honey, and paint a nice, thick coat evenly over the dick. Then, roll it around in some flax seeds, protein powder, and anything else you normally throw in your blender. Top it off with a strawberry and go to town!
If you’ve been blessed by the anti-circumcision gods, make use of that little love pocket by stuffing it like a bell pepper. Just grab a funnel and jam in some steamed brown rice, veggies, and seasonings (don’t worry about the cheese, just tell him not to shower for a few days). As he becomes aroused, his foreskin will retract, dropping little pellets of tasty goodness like a sexy Pez dispenser.
All-Natural Frozen Yogurt Dicksicle
Craving a frozen treat but have to suck a dick first? There’s no reason you can’t have your popsicle and suck it, too. All you need is a tub of high-protein Greek yogurt in a decadent flavor and a walk-in freezer. Strip him down, yogurt him up, and have him go stand in the freezer for a few hours. The tricky part is keeping the mold together, as it were, which most men find difficult at below-freezing temperatures, so you’re gonna have to hop in there, too, and do things with your boobs and/or butt at regular intervals. It might be an ordeal, but it’ll all be worth it when you’re licking that sweet frozen yogurt. You might even forget that it’s actually a disgusting dick.