What I Learned Locking Myself Into A KFC Overnight In Protest
We must hold KFC accountable for their crimes against nature and their unlawful abuse against innocent chickens. As part protest part art demonstration, I decided to lock myself inside of a vacant KFC overnight and do some savvy sleuthing to get to the bottom of this Kentucky fried nightmare.
4. “11 Herbs and Spices” is a lie
At face value, this claim might seem to hold truth, but, as with all things, it begins to crumble upon further inspection, revealing nothing but a bucket of deep fried crispy lies. What first tipped me off to this was the fact that there were no armed guards whatsoever guarding the vacant kitchen of this particular KFC establishment. Surely, if your recipe was that well-received and regarded, you’d have at least a few mall cops or so there for protection.
To test this hypothesis, I scoured the place for something to eat, managing to find a few leftover thighs and drumsticks in the trash. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking that that somehow spoils any conclusions drawn, but chicken is chicken. And if you’re going to protest a major fast food chain, what better way than getting to know their product on an intimate level. I’m sure some of you small-minded folks might think it shallow, but this all leads into my very important next point.
3. Fried chicken is pretty damn delicious
Alright, hear me out. I can explain. If you were trapped in a closed KFC for an entire night with no one around except you and a whole freezer full of dead slave birds, what would you eat? Exactly. Beggars can’t be choosers and choosers can’t be starvin’. I fight the good fight by eating the good fight.
On the one hand, this might seem horribly inconsistent with my own ideals, but on the other, it’s giving me a whole new appreciation for poultry. When you eat KFC, you realize why you fight animal cruelty to begin with. Who needs grey areas of moral conviction when you can have the best of both worlds. Which brings me to my next point…
2. I ran out of points/What the hell have chickens ever done for me?
I’m not a fraud. Don’t be so simplistic. The most intelligent minds see both sides of every argument. In this case, it’s my burgeoning love for Colonel Sanders and his basketful of delicious complications. For some people, realization is a religious experience that springs forth from life’s most exciting and revealing moments. But I’m a man of simple taste. And as simple tastes go, I give KFC a glowing recommendation.
1. What the hell have chickens ever done for me?
Did I have some kind of point about animal cruelty? I don’t know. It’s not important. Get yourself a KFC Famous Bowl with mashed potatoes, popcorn chicken, corn, gravy and cheese. Get yourself a basket of Georgian style honey mustard chicken tenders. Get yourself a few chicken little sandwiches with a side of potato wedges. Goddammit, get yourself something at this wonderful chicken chain. This is your American identity and obligation. Forget everything else. Lose yourself in the deep and comforting embrace of Mr. Sanders and all his splendor.
Don’t be like me. Learn from my mistakes and enjoy life as it comes. And in this particular case, enjoying life just so means neglecting a few birds to take advantage of the $5 fill-up special, now available at all KFC chains across the country. Treat chickens well, dark meat or white, by giving them the dinner they need.
Mike would be so proud of you!
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