I Burned Facts To Create The “Perfect Smoky Eye” And Here’s What Happened
So everyone’s all mad about that Michelle Wolf White House Correspondents’ Dinner routine the other night.
“Boo! She was mean to the press! She was mean to the president!”
But they’re totally missing the point that she actually gave some great makeup advice in there. Burn facts to get the perfect smoky eye? Like, if that’s what Sarah Sanders does, that’s a great pointer. Because I know the lady isn’t using the Cover Girl stuff I’m used to purchasing at Rite-Aid. That just drowns the world in inky tears. And forget about the Kirkland-brand eyeshadow from Costco. Like, if you want to paint your entire body black, it might be cheaper than professional paint, but the eyes it gives you are more zombie than runway. No thank you!
The toughest part of the process, I knew, would be the burning of facts. How does one burn an abstract concept like that? Well, before you burn anything, disabling your loud-ass smoke detector is the first step, otherwise the BRAAA BRAAA BRAAAA is too distracting to let you get anything done.
Stepladder? Check. Cinderblock? Check. Cinderblock smashes smoke detector? You better believe that’s a check.
If facts in the abstract can’t be grabbed and burned, a book of facts will do. And it is just the purest fact in the world that “everybody poops.” Except Kim Jong-Un, supposedly, but that’s because he’s a God and doesn’t count as having a “human body,” so we’re good. Let’s burn this sumbitch!
Collect the ashes in a bucket or other container. Or most of them. Don’t worry about all of them. A few stray burning embers flying around aren’t going to do any harm. I think my plastic curtain covers are probably flame retardant, but who cares, we’ve got some eyes to smokey-up!
Crinkle the ashes in a bowl with your hands until they make a fine black powder, then mix in some baby powder and water to make a fine paste. It’s like what Sarah Sanders does with presidential talking points: spruce them up a bit with a more gentle ingredient.
You’re going to want to use an angle brush next, to apply the fact-based paste to your eyelids. Try to hold it at a 30-degree angle for the cat-eye effect. If you’re doing it correctly, you should smell burning fabric by now. I think. That’s only normal. That means it’s working.
Use a round circular brush to smooth out any hard lines, for a cloudy effect. Get this right and your eyes won’t just look cloudy–the entire room will seem smoke-filled. Hey, when you mess with your eyes, you might start seeing things, which is to be expected!
And remember to arch your eyebrows: none of that bushy Vulcan crap is gonna fly if you wanna be fly. Speaking of Vulcan, wasn’t he a god of fire? Did invoking his name somehow cause me to smell fire? Because I do. That’s weird. I didn’t put any makeup on my nose. Anyway, from there you just-
[Editor’s Note: Luke didn’t turn in his article for two whole days and we assumed the worst until he came back with photograph he insisted on giving us via Postmates. That’s just the kind of dedication we have and expect here at Bunny Ears.]
So I guess there was a fire in my house. I don’t know quite how that happened, but the firemen were totally hot, burning even, and as they tore me away from my still-perfectly-fine boudoir they asked, “are you okay?” I’m pretty sure I gave them a thumbs-up. And four of them even put me peacefully onto a white bed, so I think they trying to make a move, or something. Mission accomplished! Thanks for the pointer, Michelle and Sarah!
Photos: Julia Thompson, VOA News, Pixabay