Why Your Kids Suck — Based On Their Star Sign (And Not Your Parenting)
Your child is strong-willed and stubborn, which is why they always got injured when you forced them to make those hilarious YouTube videos. They never would have broken both arms jumping off the roof if they had listened when you told them to aim for the gator pool. Their hair wouldn’t have caught on fire if they hadn’t insisted on preventing you from burning down the house for the insurance money. Typical Aries.
So you convinced your twins they were conjoined at birth to save money on clothes. Buying two kids’ shirts costs a lot more than one adult shirt with two kids stuffed into it. That’s just math! Math isn’t your fault. Now your kids won’t talk to you because Tauruses are terrible with money.
Naming your kid “Fidget Spinner” may not have been the best idea, but is it really your fault that you mixed up the birth certificate and your Christmas list? They were right next to each other, and both of them had “sex” right at the top. Your kid says he keeps getting picked on because of his name, but it’s obviously because he’s a Gemini. All Geminis are losers named Fidget Spinner or Roller Blades Jones.
The all-tater-tot diet sounded like such a good idea at the time! Kids love tater tots. Your kid used to love tater tots. Now they say they learned unhealthy habits from you just because they grew up thinking tater tots were the only food on Earth. How can it be unhealthy when they are completely vegetarian? You know what? It was definitely their star sign. All Cancers are malnourished.
Okay, so your kid may be the only American ever to travel to Somalia and attempt to join the pirates, but growing up, they always wanted to be a pirate, and that’s a pretty limited career opportunity these days. What were you supposed to say? “Don’t live your dreams? Now that would make you a crappy parent. Leos are dreamers, and that’s honestly not your fault.
Virgos are so forgettable! I know leaving your kid places is generally frowned upon, but if you hadn’t forgotten them at the zoo that one time, they never would have gotten the weird disease that scientists thought could only be contracted by toucans. They’re a part of history because of you!
Your kid needs to take responsibility for their own actions. They keep insisting that the reason they have a terrible credit score is because you stole their identity, but have they ever considered not being so easy to steal from? You were just trying to teach them to be vigilant, and if that lesson happened to involve you getting a sweet dirt bike, well, that’s just a reward for good parenting.
Duplicitous Scorpios are always sneaking around trying to get you to admit that you have a problem. They are manipulative, always leaving you little notes that say “I love you and care about you, but your disease is making you blah blah blah.”
Woof, this kid was just born a dud, right? You took them to every baby twerking class, you gave them all the Mountain Dew they could ask for, yet they still insist on becoming an accountant? Because it’s a “stable career” and they “have bills to pay” and “strip club deejays get stabbed a lot”? Ugh, you did your best. Better luck with the next one.
From the day your kids were born, you made it very clear that you would do anything for them … except take them to the hospital. That place smells weird, and if Uncle Jim’s Catfish Palace is a good enough place to be born, it’s a good enough place to treat their staph infection. You rubbed tartar sauce on every wound they ever had, and all of the limbs they have left are doing just fine. Stop being such whiners, Capricorns.
You weren’t even around for the first 18 years of your kid’s life, so how can it be your fault that they suck? You literally had no involvement. Sorry, Aquarius: This one’s on you.
Sweet, sensitive Pisces are always letting other people walk all over them, which is why you slept with their Little League coach. It’s not your fault they didn’t toughen up and tell you to stop blasting Coach Kunkle under the bleachers every practice. If they had just said something about it, you totally would have stopped, probably.