Someone Stole My Identity And They’re Living My Best Life
…Hillary Clinton Still Roaming The Woods…
…Trump Asks Media “What’s A Tariff?”…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…Corks Found To Only Be Holding Things Back…
…Psychic Predicts World Already Over…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…Teeth Found To Be Tongue Prison…
…Snow Is Just Rain That Forgot To Melt…
…Murder Victim Speaks Out…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…City Announces Subway Being Rebranded As “Uber Metro”…
…Secret Ingredient To Sushi Discovered: FISH…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Hats are cool…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Vacuums Suck…
…Police Discover Two Bodies In Witch’s Oven…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…BREAKING NEWS: Dumb Is Spelled With A ‘B’…
…Newest Gaming Trend: Personal Space…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
… Red and Yellow Is The New Black…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…Queen Kong???…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…Waldo still missing…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
Cancer linked to death!
…Man Wakes Up From 10 Year Coma, Asks, “What’s Up With Lance Armstrong?”…
…Supreme Court Rules: We Rule! …
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…God found dead in space…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…RIP KOKO…

Someone Stole My Identity And They’re Living My Best Life

Someone Stole My Identity And They’re Living My Best Life

This story starts out familiar enough, with a declined credit card purchase attempt. This sort of thing happens more often than I would prefer, but this time, I was completely sure I had the money I needed in the account. The money was just deposited the day before. After some digging, it became clear that my identity had, indeed, been stolen. I was so relieved.

Sure, missing that money for the next week was going to hurt, but it’s not like this hacker could possibly make my financial life worse. I’ve defaulted on my student loans, and my credit is garbage. I drift from one low-level job to another. My rental history is not terrible but not remarkable. I’m constantly hounded by debt collectors. All that is someone else’s responsibility now.

Someone Stole My Identity And They’re Living My Best Life

Then, exactly at midnight, my phone buzzed with a notification. A deposit. In my bank. The money was back, and then some. I had no idea what it meant, but right then, it meant I was buying some beer and convenience store nachos.

I never got around to calling the bank. Never bothered to change any passwords. One by one, I noticed my public accounts being compromised. The hacker optimized my LinkedIn account, and the once-quiet profile was getting promising job offers. My dating profiles were next. All included factual aspects of my life, but they were phrased in ways I never had the words to articulate. The photos had changed, however. My phone was blowing up with notifications to the point I had to mute it.

Then I got the emails that changed my life. The hacker accepted a job in my name, entering at a middle-management position, with a salary double that of anything I would ever dare ask for in a job interview. The hacker also had a new beau, a beautiful chiseled man named Javier that writes the most achingly heartfelt poetry I have ever read. He must really love her.

Someone Stole My Identity And They’re Living My Best Life

Of all things, you would think living your own life would literally be the one thing you were born for. I now realize I’m not even a close second. I became a ghost haunting my own life. I still had money available for rent, booze, and the occasional meal, so “I’m” hardly suffering. I binge Netflix all day, drink myself to sleep, and of course, keep up with the new Rani and her superior life. Thankfully, the new Rani never once flagged any of my purchases as fraudulent, perhaps out of pity.

Rani and Javier travel a lot. I read their loving emails to each other. During a tour through Italy, Javier presented Rani with an engagement ring. I openly sobbed with joy when she said yes.

I hope things work out for Rani. For once, I feel genuinely invested in how her life turns out.

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pexels

Rani Baker
Rani Baker

Not So Good Witch

Rani Baker is a writer for Cracked, Transadvocate, Bunny Ears (I mean) among others and frontperson for hacker punk band Destroyed For Comfort. Created the video games You Can't Go Home, Never Go To Work and Death Sword. Wants to be funnier but also wants you to like her just so, so much.Not a celebrity devil worshiper, or at least not a celebrity.

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.