It Has Always Been Part Of My Divine Plan For You To Pay My Legal Fees
I’m not oblivious. I know it’s not always easy for my oceanic disciples to follow every single lesson laid out in my expansive collection of self-help literature/chant books/diet charts/underwater ashram chore schedules. We aren’t all millionaires — which is why I will never charge a flat fee for my guidance into the vestigial temple of light. Instead I work off a percentage system based on your income bracket (please email your tax return information to [email protected] if you’d like to join one of my many self-actualization seminars).
Anyway — listen. For today, the 12th of Neptunber of the Aquatic Year 45, is a very special day indeed. It is the day I expand my teachings once again with a lost doctrine — one that was always intended but only recently found.
You see, it was always the Church’s intent (long before me founding it) for its members to carry the obligation of protecting their guru from all harm. And as I’ve explained in the past, “harm” toward your guru can come in many different ways… from physical harm from a wayward lamb claiming to be “taken advantage of”, to the harm that comes from the loneliness of being denied regular coupling encounters.
Then of course there is the legal and financial harm that comes with being a public figure. While a lesser-known harm — it is a regular hurdle for any religious figure (or famous person in general) to be the subject of multiple FBI and IRS investigations, slanderous rumors, or accusations of postmortem desecrations.
Even the pope gets accused of asset misappropriation every once in a while.
My point is that we live in a society corrupted by buzzword witch hunt phrases like “fraud” and “assault” and “endangering animals”. But these terms are designed by the so-called “experts” to be so broad and vague that they can apply to just about anyone they deem “too dangerous” to the status quo. One could argue that since most of Catholicism has been disproven by my mer-hominid discoveries, any of their church bulletins could count as a “phishing scam”. And yet — it is only ours, The Church Of False-Vestigially, which has been slapped with this lie-label on multiple accounts in several different states.
Former sea creatures, helpful donors, Church workers — I call upon you to search your faith and join me in a world where accusations against my personal lifestyle and financial situation (which aren’t even anyone’s business) are honorably ignored for the betterment of group wellness. No longer need we be shackled by “Big Accuser” or “Fraud Victim Inc.” or the clutches of the great big “Indecent Exposure Lie” that our government pushes on us (in the search for truth, there’s no exposure that should be deemed “indecent”). Big Doctor would have you believe that there are black and white “health codes” and “surgery licenses” that serve as gatekeeping boundaries designed to keep us away from the truth. And I’ve had enough.
This article is being dictated to my attorney through a visitation phone.
I’m taking this stand on behalf of you, and the principles of no longer cowering under the thumb of “Big Victim”. And so I ask you to help protect your guru from harm as the doctrine has always stated. Please join the #victimresistance and double your faith payments for the months of Poseidonovember through Crabruary.
May you mail your faith-bounty to the Southern Ohio Correctional Facility,
“Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially