The Rejuvenating Powers Of Sand

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The Rejuvenating Powers Of Sand

By “Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially

Don’t be afraid, former sea-creature. We are all children of the ocean, having long ago emerged to walk the earth in the ancient year of 360 BC. Most historians wouldn’t tell you that, but of course, most historians don’t actually bother in the affairs of history. Historians are the doctors of time, in that they are frauds.

Does my boldness startle you, former sea-creature? I ask you this before turning an ignorant eye: how long can you hold your breath underwater? One minute? Five?

I can hold my breath for three days.

No, it is not a lie nor parlor trick. It isn’t magic or witchcraft. I am a certified* medical healer with a degree in Naturopathic Oceanic Archeology and have demonstrated my lung capacity to not just one, but almost two spiritual universities.

Guru Degree

I know what you are thinking. “How many overnight seminars does it take to learn such an amazing ability?” Well, to that I say: it’s all up to you. Since every human possesses a unique level of Sirenophora in their bone marrow, the ability to release it varies by individual. “Sirenophora?” you ask, “why, that sounds like a made-up phooey garbage word you created to concoct some kind of false spiritual narrative for your own financial gain!” Well, fear not, my former sea-creatures — “Sirenophora” is actually a real scientific term for a clear species of aquatic parasite shed from an ancient mer-hominid I personally discovered back in 1993. Since learning to cultivate and harness the Sirenophora that dwells in my own bones, I have been able to regain thousands of powers locked away in my evolutionary cache. And it’s not just me; these creatures have helped hundreds of my patients, many of which are very prominent members of the entertainment and multi-level marketing industries.

“So what’s the secret?” you ask. I bet you think this is the part where I ask for a king’s share in exchange for some seedy elixir. No, I’m not here to make a quick buck off your pain. I will tell you my secret for free.


That’s right. Ordinary, easy-to-find sand that you can retrieve cost-free from the beach before refining its microscopic contents using my Semi-Reusable Sirenophoric Sifting Chute™ sold at material cost only. Unfortunately, without the Chute, the sheer level of sand consumption would expire you before gaining its benefits. And yes, as I am legally required to disclose upfront: you’ll have to eat the sand. If that sounds unpleasant, well then perhaps this small amount of discomfort isn’t worth gaining my powers.

I can sustain an erection for hours.

This all no doubt sounds too good to be true, and I wouldn’t blame you for wondering why you haven’t heard about the healing secret of sand until this moment. Why hasn’t the medical community spoken out about the presence of Sirenophora? Well, let me ask you something: have you ever seen an appendix?

Doctors remove appendixes all the time, don’t they? How come you’ve never seen one? What are they doing with them, and why are they in so much of a hurry to remove them? Your school notebook might tell you that they are a “vestigial organ” useless to your biology and therefore expendable. But have you ever tried asking a doctor for one after it’s removed? They won’t give it to you. Why is that? If they are so expendable, why exactly are they trying to covet our so-called “obsolete” vestigial possessions?

Maybe it’s not human frailty that’s holding us back. Maybe our limitations have been fabricated into medical dogma, the same dogma that doesn’t want you to know about these amazing microscopic mer-hominid creatures that dwell within eroded ocean rock. Maybe it’s time we stop trusting the elite “professionals” with our bodies and regain control of our vestigial destiny. Maybe it’s time to take my hand and walk into the light of truth after a cost-free Sirenophora marrow-evaluation at one of my many church locations.

May your Atlantean ancestors jettison from your bones,

“Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially


*not certified

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  1. ‘Vestigially’ or perhaps did you intend ‘Vestigiality’?
    ‘Vestigially’ epitomizes metavestigiality in that the preponderance of form remains yet none of the original function(ality).

  2. ‘False-Vestigially’….should probably be ‘False-Vestigiality’, or needs something to modify (otherwise is just dangles. Perish the thought.)
    I realize is ‘false-‘, but while that does provide a little leeway, is insufficient to run rough shod over gammatical verisimilitudinality.

    one among the vasy hoard of adoring fans
    Ben G

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