It’s Me, The Guy At This Party Who Will Definitely Try To Crack Your Back!
Hi! Nice to meet you! It’s me, the guy who is vaguely a friend of a friend of a friend from college and super enthusiastic about touching your spine!
Listen, I know you’re just minding your own business at this public gathering, and as a grown up, you probably don’t want to be lifted off the ground. But here’s the thing: I have nothing to contribute to this social interaction. Nothing. What I do have is a ton of upper body strength, enough insecurity to want to show it off, and the overwhelming desire to touch strangers’ backs. It’s not sexual! And nothing convinces strangers of that like insisting “It’s not sexual!”
Listen, chiropractors are not doctors. Also, I am not even a chiropractor. I really have no business altering the delicate workings of your spine. And yeah, you might have some genetic problems that I, not a doctor, do not understand. But I really, really want to crack your back. It will be so satisfying, I promise! Afterwards, you’ll feel so relaxed and refreshed you’ll have to say “Hey, that guy knows how to interact in social settings! He had something to offer me, a human with a back, and I am impressed with him.”
Trust me. I have cracked many backs in my day. Stand in front of me with your back turned. If you are a tall person, I will make a big show of how strong I am to be able to crack your back. If you are a lady, I will instruct you to cross your arms over your chest so I do not touch your boobs. That way, you won’t feel uncomfortable at all, right? Right. I will squish them, though. If you’re on your period, pregnant, or your boobs are otherwise sore, you might not want to let me crack your back. I am asking you if you are on your period out loud for your comfort. I’m just woke like that. If you are small, I will lift you completely off the ground. It’s not necessary for back cracking, but it’s the only thing that makes me feel strong since my MMA dojo kicked me out.
If you don’t want me to crack your back, you’d better hope nobody else at this party lets me do it, because the loud cracking sounds echoing throughout the room will give me a renewed sense of confidence. Sometimes I’ll “forget” that I already offered to crack your back. I didn’t forget. But look, you’d love it, and I need you to know how much you’d love it.
Trust me, the first back-cracking is the best. After that, you’ll seek me out at parties, chasing that first feeling. I’m like a dealer. After I’ve cracked your back once, you’ll always need it. You’ll always need me. You’ll have to talk to me. For I, Dave the Back-Cracking Guy, will finally have something, anything, you want.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…