How Each Zodiac Sign Will Ruin Your Carefully Planned Art Heist

September 1, 2019 by , featured in Horoscopes
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You’ve spent the past year planning it out. You’ve poured over every floor plan and pinpointed every weakness in the security system. You assembled a crack team of thieves and swindlers from all over the world. You’ve intricately rehearsed every step of the plan and accounted for every contingency to ensure nothing goes wrong— but it will. Here’s how each zodiac sign will ruin your carefully planned art heist.

Aries

In typical Aries fashion, your crew’s Smooth Talker with a short fuse will cause a scene after he gets into an unplanned fist fight with a tourist who refuses to apologize after stepping on his $600 leather shoes.

Taurus

Confused about which footage to loop on the screens in the security room monitor bay, your Tech Expert will stream live video from the camera in your glasses directly onto their screens as you rip the Mona Lisa away from its frame.

Gemini

Will call in sick. To the heist.

Cancer

Will fall through the panels of the air conditioning ducts he’s been tasked to crawl through. The security camera footage of his collapse from the ceiling onto the museum showroom floor will become a viral sensation.

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Leo

A random Leo unaffiliated with your crew who always dreamed of owning a speedboat will ride off with your getaway speedboat that was left unattended on the Seine river.

Virgo

Left the speedboat keys in the ignition thinking it would save time, then got a coffee.

Libra

Instead of stealing the security key card needed to gain access to the basement for your escape, your crew’s pickpocket will leave a thumb drive loaded with all the plans for the heist—including the crew’s pictures and real names—in the museum director’s pocket.

Scorpio

Posing as the leader of a museum tour, the Scorpio will lead a group of Swiss tourists on a series of time-wasting wrong turns just so they can eventually make it in front of the Mona Lisa at the exact moment that you need their cover to steal it. The Scorpio will arrive with the group 27 minutes late after buying the tour group lunch as an apology for wasting their time.

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Sagittarius

A local police detective who will spit out her coffee when she checks her daily horoscope, which will say, “Sagittarius is the only sign that can prevent the theft of the Mona Lisa today.”

Capricorn

The member of your crew who’s supposed to short-circuit the alarm system on the Mona Lisa, but when the time comes, he’ll admit he was never part of the crew. “I’m just here as a fan of heists,” he’ll say.

Aquarius

Your filthy rich financier who wants the Mona Lisa but didn’t want to spend too much on a heist crew, so only gave you enough to hire the best C-list drunken thieves money can buy.

Pisces

This is you, the heist mastermind. Fitting, since they say the Pisces is the sum total of every other sign. If that’s true, oof.

Image: Unsplash


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