Turn Your Child’s Baby Teeth Into An Incredible Superfood That You Can’t Quit — Even If You Want To!
Chronic exhaustion is par for the course for the modern parent. Between work, childcare, and all the odds and ends of adulting, it can feel like life is one long “To Do” list. Which is why it’s critical to fuel our bodies.
And it’s also why we’re thrilled to introduce you to a 100% natural and holistic energy-booster that will rejuvenate even the most fatigued of moms and dads: Grinding your child’s baby teeth into a fine powder and then snorting it right up your nose like cocaine.*
We know, we know: It sounds too good to be true. But it’s very real—we promise.
Your child’s baby teeth are not only rich in calcium, but they have the healing properties of a traditional bone broth. Additionally, baby teeth (or “Baby T” as it’s known in most circles) will dramatically decrease your need for sleep. Several of our staff members who are habitual Baby T “users” claim they don’t even require sleep at all anymore!
“I haven’t slept in twelve days and it feels like I’m kissing Heaven on the mouth!” — Tom Hawkins, Managing Editor at Bunny Ears
And if that isn’t reason enough to tap into the (insatiably addictive) power of your kid’s sweet, sweet baby teeth, Baby T can increase your strength tenfold.** We’re talking chimp-level strength, people.
A little goes a long way. If ground in a food processor and rationed correctly, a single baby tooth can last one full-grown adult at least three days (four at most). And once you’ve used up all the baby teeth you already had saved for posterity, your child will have at least one to 19 more on the way, depending on their supply history.
Sweet Baby T is also a powerful hallucinogen and is extremely likely—if not guaranteed —to bring on full-blown psychosis. Which if you ask us, is basically a staycation.
“STOP LOOKING AT ME, SATAN! ” – Amanda Mannen, Editor at Bunny Ears
Now we know what you’re undoubtedly thinking at this point: Hey guys, I’m on that sweet, sweet Baby T, I’ve never felt better, I’m highly addicted, and I may or may not be God, BUT—I’ve gone through all the baby teeth my children already lost and procured the remaining baby teeth they were still bogarting in their mouths…now what?
Well guess what, friends: The world is literally full of babies…ergo it’s also full of that sweet, sweet Baby T. It’s the gravy train that keeps on givin’, and we don’t see it stopping any time soon (holla, overpopulation!). So get creative—we won’t ask questions. Just stay the fuck away from our stash.
*Can also be absorbed through the rectum, much like actual cocaine.
**Will actually only increase your perception of your own strength tenfold.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…