5 Things Star Trek The Voyage Home Got Wrong About Space Whales

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My saltwater sea-children, everyone knows that the 1986 Leonard Nimoy-directed Star Trek film The Voyage Home is undoubtedly the best film about the existence of extraterrestrial whales. This is why our church offers free* screenings of it every Thursday at all of our many seminar huts across the nation.

But just how accurate of a film is The Voyage Home? While there’s always room for fibbery on the silver screen, I’ve been informed by my PR department that it might be fun to clear up some minor misconceptions in this film ala Neil deGrasse Tyson, a science-liar who is nonetheless very popular with the kids.

5. Jumping Into A Whale Aquarium Won’t Just Get You A Slap On The Wrist

Star Trek

File this one under ‘movie magic’! After Spock climbs into the whale tank at the Cetacean Institute, he is simply escorted out of the premises and even given a ride by one of the female staff members.

Unfortunately in the state of California this actually counts as “criminal trespassing and disorderly conduct”, a misdemeanor resulting in a $1,500 cash bail. The severity of the punishment increases greatly if you’re a repeat offender — and not only will female staff members refuse to give you a ride home, but they will often file charges against you no matter how many very informative church pamphlets you give them.

The lesson here is: if you’re going to jump into an aquarium and attempt to psychically fuse with whales, you better have an exit strategy. You should also know that…

4. You Can’t Actually Tell If A Whale Is Pregnant Via Psychic Link

Star Trek

It’s downright silly to think that you could press your face against that of a whale’s and psychically determine if they are with child. And yet, this is what we see Spock doing in the film.

Here are the only things you can learn from psychically melding with a whale’s brain:

  1. The last thing the whale ate.
  2. How many whale babies it has birthed in the past.
  3. It’s greatest whale fears.
  4. How many quarts of the whale’s blood you need to drink to fully restore your own health.

This (and more) is of course featured in my book “Whale Healing”, which you can purchase online or at one of my many seminar huts across the country.

3. There Isn’t An Invisible Whale-Stealing Ship In Golden Gate Park (But There Are Two In Washington Square)

Star Trek

While piloted by our heroes, Voyage Home brings up the important issue of sinister and invisible whale-stealing ships from outer space. In the film it’s a Klingon ship parked in Golden Gate Park. Obviously there’s no such thing as Klingons — but a quick trip over to Washington Square will reveal the presence of two similar such ships that have been slowly syphoning the world’s whale supply since the late 80s. Why do they want our whales? Who knows! Perhaps it’s for the healing properties of their blood.

You too can detect these whale-stealing ships after unlocking the vestigial potential of your eyes through a series of premium-member consultations at one of my many seminar huts across the country.

2. Whales Hate Us And Would Never Try To Save Our Species

Star Trek

I’ve said it a million times: a whale wouldn’t think twice about drinking your blood. And so the biggest lie of this movie is the idea that two whales would, if given the opportunity, save mankind from destruction.

As in-touch as we must all become with the ocean, it’s important not to deify the mammal brethren our mer-hominid ancestors dominated years before. It’s easy to feel sorry for an unconscious whale as you slowly dialyze yourself with its fluids — so it’s important to remember that they would do exactly the same to you if given the chance. Do not trust their doe eyes and sea trumpet calls.

1. Your Standard Outer Space Whale Probe Has Way More Phallic Shapes

Star Trek

While the movie portrays the whale-detecting space probe as only having one light-constructed penis, the real life version is practically covered with them. Like a child’s Koosh ball, it’s hard to even determine whether or not your average whale monolith is made up of anything besides dicks. It’s a hideous abomination and just one more reason why the earth whale needs to be abolished for their precious life-blood before mankind is put before the Cetacea Tribunal.

May you successfully juice the great humpback,

“Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially

*$16.50

IMAGES: Paramount Pictures


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3 Comments

  1. The film also stated, rather pedantically, that there would be no more humpback whales in the 21st century. What load of shit that turned out to be. Typical Hollywood liberal fear mongering. Fuck Paramount and Leonard Limoy (who directed and wrote the story) for what they did to my family. Thirty some odd years ago, my Portuguese grandparents had a very successful, 100 year-old business in New Bedford, Massachusetts. They produced the finest humpback and other whale based products on the eastern seaboard. They made cooking oil, candles, cosmetics, corsets, umbrellas, fertilizers and meat. Oh, that delicious meat! I can still remember the wonderful smells emanating from her kitchen as she prepared humback osso buco on Sundays. But I digress…

    The winter of 1986, after that goddamned film was released, everything ended. Leonard Limoy, who I hope is rotting in hell as I write this, destroyed my grandparents business and our families legacy. The backlash we received over that bullshit work of fiction, which time proved to be completely false, caused them to fold up shop and move back to the Azores. Our family was left penniless.

    They died shortly after, ironically from poisoning due to consuming bad linguica, for there was no humpback whale to be had.

    Fuck that film. Thank you for finally shining a light on its inaccuracies.

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