Winterize Your Home With The Spellbook You Stole From That Robed Skeleton
One of the biggest challenges of owning a home is preparing it for the winter. The harsh, frozen days of nature’s murder season can wreak havoc on the palatial mansion you moved into thanks to the dark gift you received from the spellbook you stole from that robed skeleton. But there’s good news! You can use that same flesh-bound tome to winterize your new home against the ills of the approaching cold months by speaking a few simple incantations scrawled within its pages.
Winterize Your Water Pipes by Casting the Runes of Hell to Keep Them Eternally Warm
Easily the biggest threat to your home during the winter is water pipes that can freeze and burst, inflicting catastrophic damage on the house and making your bargain with Oderungus the Rotting to escape the catacombs beneath the old church with both the spellbook and a new mansion suddenly not such a great deal. Luckily, you can use that spellbook to winterize your pipes by casting the Runes of Hell (pg. 96).
Typically used to torment the souls of the damned, this spell can be lifehacked into a valuable home improvement tool by speaking its forbidden words while touching any faucet or drainpipe to imbue your plumbing with the undying flames of Hell itself. Your pipes will be protected until you decide to break the curse, or your immortal soul is torn screaming from this plane of existence. Please note the water from your faucets will be too hot to drink or bathe in during this time, so you will need to invest in several pallets of Evian.
Insulate Your Home With Indestructible Weatherstripping Made From The Webs of An Army of Conjured Spiders
Keeping your home properly insulated is an equation that requires constant balancing, as your heater struggles to keep the house warm while losing valuable energy to all the windows and exterior doors dotting the halls of your tainted mansion. Properly insulating and weather-stripping would cost you thousands. Luckily, you can keep all that money earmarked for gluttonous hoarding by casting a simple conjuration spell from the infernal book you wrestled from the grip of that ancient skeleton. By invoking the Sign of Hungering Legs (pg. 48), you can conjure an army of herculean spiders and direct them to cover your windows and door cracks with their indestructible webs. Your power bill will drop to mere pennies a day thanks to your helpers from the Plane of Wailing! Come springtime, you will need to invoke the Sigil of the Flayed Desert (pg. 112) to conjure giant scorpions that will get rid of the giant spider webs.
Close Your Pool For The Winter By Summoning a Hell Gate In The Center To Drain It
Part of the bargain you made with Oderungus involved a waterfall swimming pool with a hot tub and canopied lagoon. But you forgot to make the pool self-maintaining when you cut your deal. So you’re going to have to drain it before winter sets in. Draining a pool can get a little expensive, even for someone who wished for immeasurable wealth for all eternity. That’s why you need to cast Dimension Rend (pg. 84) in the very center of your pool.
Dimension Rend will summon an enormous spectral claw that will shred a hole through the fabric of existence in the center of your pool. The water will drain into the Nether Dimension, leaving your pool ready to be covered with a tarp for the winter months. Come late spring, simply cast Dimension Rend again to refill your pool with the exact same water from six-months prior, eliminating the need to re-balance chlorine and pH levels, as nothing ages in the Nether Dimension, including any enemies you toss in.
Occasionally Rain Blood on Your Lawn to Prevent A Full Grass Die-Off
While not technically causing damage to your home, winter frosts can inflict a major die-off on your grass and decorative topiary. Luckily, there were words of truth scattered in the poisonous whispers that compelled you to rip that cloaked skeleton’s fingers off one at a time to free the spellbook it clutched to its dead chest: “This book has the power to give you a fabulous yard,” it said. Simply turn to page 666 (please note that there aren’t actually 666 pages of material in the tome, so you will have to flip through several blank chapters) and recite the Angel Fall incantation. Step beneath an overhang or gazebo and watch in delight as ancient blood begins to rain from the sky. The blood will fall for about an hour, keeping your lawn nourished and green for weeks to come as you try not to think about where it came from.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…