Listen, we know how important it is to drive around in a car worth more than the Gross National Product of most developing nations, covered in enough coats of wax to weaponize the sun’s rays while burning through twelve gallons of premium gasoline on a single trip to Bristol Farms. Fame and status are our most important natural resources, and they must be defended as fiercely as you would defend your own children in a film where you play a parent who must defend children.
But there’s another natural resource that is arguably just as important. Nature. That’s right. We must defend the planet ferociously, because without it there won’t be any place for you to get recognized in an expensive car, which as we all know instantly rejuvenates you by 3.2 years. And the best way for you to help save the planet today is by trading in one of said cars for an energy efficient, environmentally-friendly covered litter (or palanquin) carried by four to six of your household employees.
Unlike those hideously gauche electric options that anyone with an hourly wage can afford, a palanquin exudes an air of status and importance greater than any Italian sports car ever could. And odds are there’s a palanquin dealer within four to five servant’s carrying distance from your home, so there’s no excuse not to whistle for your driver right now and go take one for a spin.
Unlike Bugattis or Lamborghinis, a palanquin leaves zero carbon footprint. They’re generally constructed of natural material (primarily wood, ivory, and the pelts of exotic animals), and they’re powered by human sweat, a clean-burning fuel that is 100% renewable.
In the interest of transparency, we must admit that you’ll be trading in a great deal of speed for this environmentally-friendly status symbol, as the top speed of a palanquin is a fluid equation dependent on the strength and relative virility of your employees and whatever fad diet you’re currently practicing. However, the number of heads you’ll turn as you’re carried down Beverly Drive in a mobile palace of ornately carved wood and dazzlingly bejeweled animal bone are well worth the extra time it will take you to get to your acupuncturist. Furthermore, the knowledge that you’re creating a better world for the children you may one day adopt in a later-in-life career image repair campaign is worth any amount of time spent in a miniature covered palace with an optional cordless air conditioner and wireless charging station.
Now we’ve talked a lot about how good palanquins are for the future of the planet, but there are numerous other advantages to owning a vehicle with zero emissions. You don’t have to get it registered or pay taxes on it, which means your accountant doesn’t have to go through the trouble of reporting it as “medical equipment” on your tax returns, as with your other vehicles. Maintenance and upkeep of a palanquin are comparable to that of a piece of deck furniture, meaning your driver will have more time to gently brush your hair with a horse-haired comb.
And perhaps most exciting of all: A palanquin is currently the only street legal self-driving car on the market. So adding one to your garage fleet means you’ll be hoisted (on four to six backs) directly towards the future.