We Apologize for Endorsing Sex with Men
If there’s one thing we believe with all our hearts, it’s the importance of merchandise, but if there’s a second thing, it’s accountability. That’s why, when we realized we’ve been making a grave mistake that could harm countless millions, we knew we needed to apologize for suggesting that sex with men is okay.
Clearing The Air
We’ve been searching our souls for the reason that led us to make such a grave error. Maybe sheltered childhoods, when we were taught that something with a bird and a bee goes on. We didn’t realize that, in this metaphor, the penis is a venomous stinger. Maybe college, when—drunk on cotton candy vodka—we allowed a man to take us back to his room because he had an acoustic guitar.
Wherever our foolish belief that sex with a human man was an ideal expression of passion came from, we regret it with every bit of our souls.
The Evidence Is Clear
We know that “science” insists that a male sperm is required to make additional humans, and we think that may be the source of some of this confusion. But truthfully, 99% of the time, creating a fetus is not the desired outcome of sex, so really, what the hell are men even doing there?
Once we began to deprogram, further conundrums revealed themselves to us. Did you know that pretty much every war in history was started by a man? And that every time a man killed his wife, a man was the murderer? Did you realize that a man wrote “Blue (Da Ba Dee)”? And “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da”? They can’t even form full words! Why are we letting them inside our bodies with their hot liquid mayonnaise hoses?!
What We Can Do To Help
We believe that the most important part of owning your mistakes is offering solutions for the future. Now that you, too, have recognized that sex with men is a ridiculous idea, here are some suggestions for how to address this situation.
Of course, sexual orientation is not a choice, but on the other hand, the multiverse is likely real, which means there are countless versions of you that are lesbians. Find a way to contact one of them, and persuade or trick them to switch places with you.
Much like veganism, walking the path of total resistance to dick can be spiritually satisfying. As you pass each man at the gym, his dick nudging at his flimsy shorts like the nose of a needy basset hound, you can take a breath and thank the universe for enlightening you. You are free, and your freedom will help others find their own path.
Modern advances in the sexual marketplace have made a perfectly acceptable way to get your giggles without involving any unnecessary biology. A dildo of your preference can make you forever forget about that series of TAs you banged last year, and yes, you can even get Thanos.
We hope you will accept our deepest apologies for ever endorsing sex with men, and we’re sure that—as reasonable, logic-based creatures—they will find absolutely zero reason to be mad about this apology on the Internet.