The Most Obnoxious Ways To Come Out As Sapiosexual
Urban Dictionary defines sapiosexuality as “Finding the contents of one’s brain their most sexy attribute.” Basically, unlike everyone else (who is stupid and fucks other stupids), you find intelligence attractive. Some self-identified sapiosexuals are indeed pansexual and pretentious, while others are just straight guys who play Hardcore History in the car on a first date. As such, it’s going to be obnoxious no matter what to “come out” as sapiosexual as if it’s a legitimate alternative sexuality, so you might as well run with it. You need everyone to hear about your sapiosexuality in the most obnoxious way possible. (By the way, “The dictionary defines …” is a very obnoxious way to begin any speech, so feel free to use that as an opening.)
Perform I.Q. Tests On Dates
This is a great way to teach all potential suitors that they are not smart enough for you, a proud sapiosexual. After all, lots of people are attracted to intelligence over looks or gender or whatever, but you are one of the few individuals with the courage to make it your entire identity. Also, make sure this I.Q. test refers to Kurt Vonnegut at least once. You’re entitled to ruin your favorite books for everyone.
Invite Friends To A Screening Of Idiocracy And Explain That You’re Saving The World
Idiocracy is a film that explores the future in a world where stupid people reproduce at a much higher rate than smart people. It’s satire, but so was Animal Farm, which you make sure to quote at least 14 times a day. You might as well treat this film that way, too. After your loved ones have watched it, tell them that, since you are a smart and plan to breed with or artificially inseminate another smart, you are saving humanity. Then make them take jars of your sperm home.
Interrupt Your Parents Fucking
Go to your parents’ house and interrupt them while they are having sex. You may have to do several “dry runs” (which is witty wordplay that you understand because you’re smart and sex is wet) before you successfully interruptus their coitus (which is Latin). When you finally catch your parents having sex, bust in on them and explain that against all genetic odds, you are a proud sapiosexual. After all, your dad is bad at math, and Mom has never even read Orwell, but you were born to rebel against the “healthy relationship model” they presented to you and only fuck people who pass your rigorous I.Q. test.
Be aware: Your parents will try to make this about them: their privacy, their need for space. Don’t let them do that to you. This is your coming out story.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…